I stand by the fact that it's too hot in Texas for a beard

jparks: (pointing to People magazine) Look, Jack Johnson has a beard! This means I should have a beard too!

me: (flipping the page) Just because Jack Johnson has a beard does not mean you need a beard. Look, Sting doesn't have a beard and he can have sex for 14 hours straight. If there ever was a compelling case for not having a beard, it is Sting and his sex.

Wait, move your hand! Ha, it's a picture of Sting with a beard! I totally get to grow one now AND have sex for 14 hours! I win!

Fuuuuck.

Yes, more about The Move

This move has hit levels of ridiculousness that I never knew existed:

We lost a couple of apartments because we weren't there in person and other people were with cash in hand.

The moving company cost more than I expected.

jparks has no one to drive from California to Texas with him

In my haste to pack clothes for our remaining time in California, I managed to pack two Frank tee shirts, a tank top (It's freezing here now), one long sleeved shirt, a killer pair of heels, and six sets of workout clothes for myself. Six fucking sets of workout clothes. This was supposed to last me at least two weeks.

I wanted to fly to Texas on Wednesday so I could see my sister graduate from boot camp, but all the flights on that day were stupid expensive

I finally found a complex I liked and, since it is brand new, they had lots of availability. I made it clear I needed to get the lease paperwork done as soon as humanly possible, yet the people kept delaying things. "I'm going on vacation and I'll write your lease up when I get back." After pointing out that I couldn't wait that long and forcing people to work late, it turns out it was pointless because...

Our stuff was supposed to arrive in Texas last Friday, then that got pushed to today, then to Thursday, and today when I called I was told our stuff hadn't even been loaded on a truck yet. Why? Because they were waiting on a destination address which they told me they would not need until the truck reached Austin.

When I called the moving company to complain to a customer service manager I was told he was out of the office. Last week when I asked to speak to him I was told he was on vacation and would call me when he got back on Friday. I do not believe he exists.

The apartment complex lost the check I expressed mailed them

Since jparks would kick the animals out of the car around the Arizona/New Mexico border I was going to fly with them. But it turns out United will only allow one animal in cargo per flight. Also, the charges for a cat in cargo are more than I paid for my plane ticket. A cat in cabin is cheaper, costing the same amount as my ticket, but there is no way I can make it through security with a baby and a cat. I mean, I could but after passing through security I would have to get drunk in the terminal to help me recover and then they wouldn't allow me on the plane. Someone told me they've used FedEx to ship animals so I'm checking into that tomorrow. Yes, FedEx.

breakdowns and stupidity, they go hand in hand

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Actually that's a huge understatement, last night I had a breakdown of epic proportions. You see, this move? Not going as smoothly as I expected. In fact, if jparks and I are still married when we arrive in Austin, I will be amazed. Last Saturday, after the house was packed and emptied, the carpets were steamed, and the cleaners vacuumed out our drawers, a junk trunk came to haul away the leftover bits of trash. I told jparks that I might kill him, stuff him in a box, and have the junk guys haul him away and no one would ever know. I was only 25% joking. Who knew moving would be the ultimate test of a relationship?

As I type this all of our stuff is in an 18 wheeler barreling towards Texas. Next Saturday Truman, the cat, and I will be on a plane barreling towards Texas. And at some undetermined point in the future, jparks will load up our car with our remaining crap and Lily and barrel his way towards Texas. It all sounds so easy and tidy, but it really isn't. And last night we hadn't even made that much of a plan, which is what prompted the breakdown. Oh man, it was ugly.

Today I am fine. Mostly.

Enough about my breakdown, let me tell you a story all about my stupidity. On Monday I took the car in for service because whenever I turned the air up to high a squealing noise drowned out the radio. Of course, no amount of testing by the repair guy could produce the sound and they eventually called me to pick up the car because it was obviously fine. Later that day jparks was driving and I cranked the air up yet it was still hot. That's when I noticed that both passenger air vents were closed and the noise was from air squeezing through the closed vents. I had taken the car in because someone coughcoughjparkscough had shut the air vents and I never noticed. I'm certain the repair guy knew this but had no good way to tell me without making me feel like an idiot. At least now I can see the upside of this move, I never have to go back to that Volvo dealership.

so, uh, hi texas.

We all know that I've been talking about moving to Austin forever now, but hey look! I'm moving to Austin. Like soon. Holy shit!

Jparks and I had discussed moving and we decided not to leave the Bay Area until at least the fall, but knowing we would price our house at a high rent, we figured we should list it now just to see what the interest would be. So last Monday the house went on Craigslist and by that afternoon the emails were rolling in, we had interest! I took that as a good sign and should have deleted the ad but I'm lazy and left it up. By midweek an agent was emailing me saying he had someone that really wanted our house and because I'm an ass I ignored his emails. Turns out this guy really wanted our house, and his agent would not relent, so Saturday morning we were had them over to look around and by Saturday evening the agent was calling us with the details of the lease. Meanwhile I was standing in the living room scratching my head and asking twitter how fast I could pack a house because the guy wanted to move in as soon as possible.

Sunday we discussed all of our moving options, including staying in the Bay Area for a little while longer and I realized this was a bad idea. As ML said "Just rip the band aid off." Why move an extra time? Do I really want to pack, unpack, and then pack again? Well, the band aid is off and I'm about to sign a lease in Austin.

Am I upset about this? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Am I wondering how we're going to pull off a move in less than a week? Fuck yes.

Austin brace yourself, the Parkses arrive mid June.