I'm told I'm measuring on schedule

Apparently something happened this week and I have shifted from "Is she pregnant or fat? I better just stare at her wild eyed and not comment since I can't really tell" to "Whoa she's pregnant. I better ask when she's due so if she goes into labor while I'm ringing her up I'll know what's going on." I don't know if it's because I finally caved and bought real maternity shirts or because holy crap I'm huge, but every day strangers have approached me to ask when I'm due.

I will admit that it's nice to finally know that people aren't looking and wondering if I've ever heard of the 30 Day Shred but at the same time it is very unsettling to have random people approach me to talk when I'm shopping at Target. Thankfully no one has gone for the stomach touch yet because seriously, friends only! And even letting friends do that took awhile for me to become comfortable with.

I think part of the reason that these questions and comments have caught me so off guard is because I am having a hard time seeing how big I'm getting. I mean, I know I'm big and I routinely walk around the house mooing at jparks, but knowing just how much I've grown week to week is a challenge. Thank god I don't wear pants with stretchy waistbands when I'm not pregnant because I would probably weigh 400 pounds and not even realize it.

Anyway, I'm tired since I skipped my nap today (woe is me) so let's just give the people want they want: evidence of my fatness

my own Lance Armstrong but with two balls

Last year when I decided I wanted to run a marathon, I asked jparks if he wanted to run it with me. He laughed and said no, not because the training would be too much, but because running was boring. I tried to tell him that running is not boring, especially if you run with a partner and even running alone is fun because of magical inventions called iPods and podcasts. He still couldn't be swayed and I went on my merry running way without him. Somewhere along my training jparks decided that maybe he should get a bike and this quickly spiraled into me meeting him at work one day where he was smiling like a fool and announcing "I'm going to ride my bike from San Francisco to Los Angeles!"

It's safe to say that when he first told me that I might have laughed because really? Have you guys met my princess of a husband? He was going to ride from SF to LA? No. No fucking way. I tried to explain that maybe this wasn't the best idea because if he thought running was boring, what was he going to do to entertain himself on really long bike rides where it's illegal to wear headphones? In fact, what was he going to do on really long bike rides when he actually had to you know, ride the bike? He refused to listen to me, mostly because he had already paid the registration fee, and started training.

That was back in November and since then he has really (surprisingly) committed a lot of time to training. Of course, since he's jparks there have been times when he wanted to quit, but did you know cycling is way more expensive of a sport than running? And nothing can motivate him like me getting upset over the cost of his bike, jerseys, or other random crap required for rides. For once my nagging skills were useful.

Since this ride is in support of the AIDS foundations in San Francisco and Los Angeles, jparks had to raise at least $3000. I'm not going to lie, I thought I would be the one raising the money for him and was a bit annoyed. But Whitney came to our rescue and designed some posters for jparks to hang around his office that helped him come up with the money in record time. I think it was because we hit on the perfect sales pitch: "Want to get rid of jparks for a week? Donate here!"

After months of training, fund raising, nagging from me, sores knees, sunburned stripes on his bald head, and countless gu packs he leaves on Sunday morning for a 545 mile trek down to Los Angeles. For seven days jparks will ride most of the length of California, sleeping at night in a tent (did I mention the camping? oh yes, camping. hahahaha) and eating whatever is served in the food lines. Honestly I can't imagine jparks doing any of those things but I know he will because he's too stubborn to quit at this point. And besides all his coworkers donated so they could be jparks free for a week and I'm surely not going to let him sit at home and pester me all day so they can have their week of quiet.

Like I mentioned, he has reached the minimum amount of money needed to go on the ride, but if you want to show your support for jparks or the AIDS foundations, donations can be made here: To Fight HIV.

I know how hard and time consuming training for something can be and I'm incredibly surprised that my ADD husband was able to stick with this for the past seven months. I gave him a lot of crap throughout his training because that's who I am, but honestly I'm really proud of him. Even if now he has little chicken legs and weighs less than me.

never before have I seemed like such a spoiled brat

For the past month or so I've been telling anyone that will listen that jparks and I are becoming a one car family at the end of May. While it might have seemed like I was bragging because I am so green with my one car and you're not, you Earth killer, really I was just trying to get myself excited about the idea of sharing a car, which is something I have never had to do before. Because I am a spoiled brat I got my own car at 15 and have had my own car since then. Throughout our relationship jparks and I have each had our own cars and we've never had to plan ahead to make sure the other person has transportation. So basically having one car is going to be quite the lifestyle change for us and that change is finally here.

Up until yesterday I was pretty okay with the idea of having one car. The lease was ending on my car in May and in February, when we made the decision to only have one car, that was hella far away. Tonight my car goes back to the dealership and we attempt to walk away without Volvo pushing another car on us. I think it's safe to say that I would be the easy sell on a new car and jparks might actually end up being the sensible one in this situation. My plan is to bring a book and stick my nose in it, only looking up to explain why my rims are scraped to the point of unrecognizable (I love nothing more than running them into curbs) and to sign the paperwork.

While I would like to claim we are dropping one car to be more environmentally friendly, the truth is that since getting laid off we've been looking for small ways to spend less and ditching a car seems like the easiest way to go. We're also not saying that we will never again have two cars because honestly I think this can only last so long before one of us (read as me) loses their mind trying to juggle our schedules. My goal is to make it until January with one car and if I haven't lost my mind by then, we'll reassess and try to continue for a few more months. If I have lost my mind, we'll start the debate over what kind of car to get. That's when everyone will see that I'm not really the spoiled brat in this house, and that jparks, Mr. I Want A Tesla, is and all will be right in the world again.

ready for the worst

If there was ever a website that I didn't need to know about, it's Quake Prediction.com. Actually, knowing about the site isn't the worst thing in the world, but knowing about and following the guy's twitter account might just be the dumbest thing I've done recently. As if I didn't obsess enough about earthquakes before (I actually asked jparks what would happen if I was getting an epidural and an earthquake happened during it and I became paralyzing from getting my spine nicked. The instructor at our child birth class looked at me like I was insane, but I swear that is a valid concern.) now I can have earthquake predictions sent directly to my phone! And look, the Bay Area can expect an earthquake in the next couple of days! Joy of joys now I get to spend three days wondering when my house will collapse.

I have a flair for the dramatic.

I'm not blindly believing whatever predictions this guy throws out, I'm believing him because he predicted the quakes in Los Angeles earlier this week and one right predictions makes you an earthquake genius in my book. And speaking of those quakes, let me confess to being a self centered asshole. When I read that they had just happened, I didn't think "I hope no one was hurt!" No, I thought "Thank god they happened now and not when I'm in the area in two weeks! And this means the pressure will be released and I'll not have to worry about any while I'm there! win-win!" So yeah, I'm an asshole.

After I told jparks about my new web obsession and his eye rolling stopped, he showed me an app for the G1 that alerts you to earthquakes around the world. Because even if the earthquake happens 10,000 miles away I need to know about it. And the best part about having this info on my phone is that when it alerts me to an earthquake in another part of the world, I can look at my current surroundings and figure out what thing would crush me if the earthquake had happened to me right then. So far CostCo, Lowe's, and Home Depot seem like the scariest places to be during an earthquake. So many heavy items stored high above my head just waiting to crush me. Fun!

Some might call this a sickness, I call it a hobby.

so close, yet so far

Holy shit, I'm 27 weeks pregnant. The other night I turned to jparks and said "I've been pregnant forever and I still have to be pregnant forever. Fuck this." I just keep waiting for the magical part of pregnancy to start, but instead of it I seem to get the heartburn, crazy hormones, oh my god why am I so damn hot all the time part of pregnancy. Over and over and over again. Seriously body, enough with this crap, when will I start pooping rainbows and seeing unicorns? When will I glow? Do I need to sacrifice an animal to get some magic to happen over here? Because it could be arranged, just give the word.

The newest pregnancy related developments are that jparks was finally able to feel some movement and I've hit what I call the hibernation stage. As far as jparks feeling his first kicks, he was super excited of course. I've been offering to poke him anytime his kid kicks me, but apparently that's not the same as actually feeling movement. The funny part about jparks getting to feel kicks is that normally the kid stops moving whenever he puts a hand on me. This is great for when I'm trying to fall asleep and the kid is playing dance, dance revolution on my organs. Jparks puts a hand on my stomach and it's game over and I can sleep. So finally feeling kicks is great for him and mildly annoying for me. Now how am I supposed to calm the kid down? Maybe whiskey would help him relax.

Throughout this pregnancy I've been nap resistant. It's not that I feel the need to go go go all the time, but it's more that I'm unemployed and really want to be able to tell people that I did something other than sleep the day away. But in the past few days something has changed and the naps will not be stopped. I'm sleeping in much later in the mornings and afternoons are now for naps whether I like it or not. Yesterday I sat down to pet the cat for a minute and woke up an hour later feeling confused and holding the cat in a death grip. Lesson learned, the nap is not to be avoided.

And really that's about all the new with the whole pregnancy thing. I'm finally showing although I still think I just look fat. We haven't done anything else to the nursery since buying the dresser. I should probably get around to ordering a crib and maybe buying some diapers or something, but like I said before I still have forever left in this pregnancy. Plenty of time to shop and enjoy the miracle of life disguised as heartburn and gas.

my life is very exciting, let me show you

I'm supposed to be booking a vacation in Laguna Beach for jparks and I right now, but I can not handle the pressure of picking a hotel. My options are fancy hotel about 20 minutes away from the beach that I know the name of or supposedly fancy hotel on the beach via hotwire which could screw me over when I learn that their idea of fancy isn't the same as mine. Or do I redefine my search area and look in Dana Point as well? Or Newport Beach? Seriously, I suck at vacation planning.

So, instead of driving myself crazy over analyzing every single option for hotels I'm going to tell you all about the crap I've become obsessed with lately. I know, it's really exciting, just try to stay calm and not hyperventilate.



Maybe it's because I'm Gossip Girl obsessed and every party on that show is sponsored by Vitamin Water but lately I can't get enough of this stuff. I used to be the mean person that enjoyed pointing out to unsuspecting co-workers how bad regular Vitamin Water is (it's loaded with sugar and calories! Like way more than you would ever expect!) but now they make it with just 10 calories per serving and I'm totally a junkie. The only complaint I have left is about the price still being a bit ridiculous so I limit myself to one bottle per day. Should anyone want to send me a case, my favorite flavor is XXX.

And since I'm telling you about my new favorite beverage let me tell you all about the awesome cup I like to use while drinking it.



It's a reusable tumbler from Starbucks and it kicks the ass of any other cup out there. Yes, I realize I'm a walking advertisement for a mediocre coffee chain when I use it, but I don't care. It's a replica of their venti cup, but made with double walls so it doesn't leave condensation everywhere and the lid screws on tight so the cat can't knock it off and stick her paws in my drink. Who would have thought something so simple would make me so happy?

My final new obsession is CostCo. I've been a CostCo member for well over a year now, but I hated going after work when the lines were stupid long or, even worse, on weekends. Since I've started going during the day with the other housewives I've cultivated quite the obsession. Last week I bought a box of 200 Otter Pops. Do you have any idea how long 200 Otter Pops will last? FOREVER. If you plan on visiting me anytime soon, count on eating an Otter Pop. I also recently picked up a pack of 2000 q-tips. Jparks and I use 3 q-tips per day so we are set for the next 666.67 days. Honestly, most of the items I can buy at CostCo aren't much cheaper than at Target, but Target doesn't sell them in bulk and for some reason it is very satisfying when I come home with 2000 q-tips, 200 Otter Pops, and 6 pounds of butter.

I have more I could tell you about, like my new hippie allergy medicine which beats every other allergy medicine on the market, OTC and prescription included, but I should probably bite the bullet and book a hotel room already. I think I've narrowed it down to one hotel so now the question is do I want the whirlpool spa tub or not. decisions, decisions.

customer service at its finest

I was a little cranky this Saturday when I went to World Market to buy a dresser for the nursery. Perhaps the crankiness stemmed from my OB telling me "Whoa fattie, slow down on the eating!" although in a much nicer way. Maybe it was because Saturday morning I went to a baby fair where it was humid, sticky, and crowded. Or perhaps I'm just a cranky bitch. Either way, I was cranky on Saturday afternoon and not in a mood to be screwed with, but apparently World Market did not get this memo.

I went into the store knowing exactly what dresser I wanted. I grabbed the SKU off of it and proceeded to the register where the overly excited 13 year old cashier was ready to attempt to ring me up. The first problem was that I tried to pay with a check. Now I understand people don't use checks that frequently anymore, but I wanted to pay from a specific account that I don't have a debt card for, so check it had to be. The 13 year old actually asked me, while pointing at the check, "What is that?" Of course he had no idea how to process a check and had to call the manager over.

Once the manager came over and explained about writing down my birthday and other very vital info, she showed the kid how to run the check through their scanner, which rejected my check. Because why not make this a real learning experience? The manager then had to teach the kid how to call a check in and meanwhile the line behind me grew longer and angrier. It was really becoming a party for everyone in the store.

After spending a few minutes on the phone the manager turns to me with a look of frustration in her eyes. "Uh, I don't really know why but your check isn't going through. Did you think you had enough money in your account to cover this?" Really, that's what you're going to say to me after my check declines? You couldn't come up with something more embarrassing or rude? I tried to explain that I know I have enough money to cover the check, but what good is my explaining this going to do? The manager asked if I had another way to pay and while I did, it wasn't how I wanted to pay and I saw no reason to change my plans at this point. Plus I thought it made me look a little shifty to pull out a credit card at this point. "Hi, I don't have the cash for this and obviously I've got some kind of bad credit since my check is declining so let me pay with plastic!"

The manager offered to put the dresser on hold for 48 hours for me and gave me the phone number for the check scan service saying "Good luck getting to the bottom of this!" Thanks lady. Also, I'm fairly certain she thought she would never see me again, especially not to buy the dresser since it was obvious that I'm broke and scamming World Market out of a dresser with my bad check writing skills.

I wasn't even out the door when I called the check service. Turns out my check was declined for no reason at all. Seriously, that's what they told me "We see that you have a clear check writing history and that there are enough funds to cover the check, but occasionally we stop a check to protect the consumer." Because there is nothing a consumer likes more than being publicly humiliated by having a check decline in front of a crowd of people. Fun!

I then headed on over to my bank to make a withdrawal to pay for the dresser, because dammit the day would not end until I was the proud owner of a new dresser. I approached a teller and when he asked me "Do you want this in big bills?" I replied "No, I want it in singles please. I have to go make it rain this evening." The teller gave me a bit of a strange look and then, thankfully, laughed.

I headed back to World Market, where the manager was still at the register helping my 13 year old cashier friend with another customer. Now I know this is wrong, but when I got to the front of the line I took great pleasure in dropping that wad of singles in front of the very bewildered cashier knowing he would have to count all of them out and that once he got to 20 he would probably get flustered and mess up. I wanted to apologize to the people in line behind me because yes, it was rather bitchy to make this purchase this way, but come on, I deserved some revenge.

The whole thing played out wonderfully. The kid had to count the stack of bills three times before he got the amount right and then he had to get the manager over to recount it. The manger was overly pissy about having to recount the money and even seemed a little pissy about having to fill out the paperwork to complete the sale. I know it wasn't technically her fault the check declined and I also know if I were really wanting to be a bitch I would have taken my business to another World Market, but I'm lazy and this revenge was more my speed. Actually my true speed would have been to pay in pennies, but jparks wasn't with me and there was no way I was going to drag that much weight around just to make a point.

In related news, I have the first piece of furniture for the nursery. Yay!