things I've learned in Maui thus far

Men here love Speedos. Particularly men that are at least 60 years old. And 60 pounds over weight.

The beach doesn't totally suck. Unless you get cocky on your boogie board and stop paying attention to the waves. Then the ocean gives you a sand enema and that does suck.

Just washing your hair once does not get the sand off your scalp. And sand on my scalp itches which makes me scratch at head so much that others look at me like I have lice.

I was worried about wearing a bathing suit. This should not have been a concern as many woman here where bikinis that should not wear bikinis and whenever I feel bad I just look at them. Instantly I feel much better about my tankini.

Maui onions give jparks gas. Horrible gas that makes me force him to sit on the balcony of our hotel room

I thought all that damn sunscreen would keep me from getting burned. I was wrong, nothing shall keep me from getting burned.

Mai tais are not what I thought they were, but are still good excellent. I've had one at almost every meal so far. I say almost because having one with breakfast seems like a bad idea, although I might try it one morning.

aloha!

We are officially off to Maui! For the record I didn't get my legs waxed because the hairs didn't grow fast enough. I hold each one of you personally accountable for this, due to not enough oomph in your grow, hairs, grow chants.

Check back for pictures soon. Pictures of Maui, not of my unwaxed legs. Because pictures of those would just be uncalled for.

wax on

All together now, with oomph: Grow, leg hairs, GROW!

See, we're leaving for Maui on Thursday and I really wanted to get my legs waxed before we left. But stupid me shaved about a week and a half ago and the leg hair isn't really long enough to wax. Normally I don't mind that it's slow growing but right now I want it to grow faster. I'm using all my energy to will it to grow faster. Grow little hairs! GROW!

Jparks and I are starting the packing process (yes, it's a process with us) and I'm working on toiletries, including, but not limited to, sunscreen:


It's a bit excessive, isn't it? I plan on being the one person to go to Hawaii and not get a tan. And to scare everyone else with my blinding legs. My blinding legs with, hopefully, no hair on them.

medical updates, stat!

Last night I got Molly's Prozac prescription refilled, but this time we changed from pills to an easy to administer gel. We squirt it into her ear and then marvel at how much easier that just was then trying to shove a pill down her throat only to have her hairball it back up as soon as we let her go. Yay for transdermal gels!

Today jparks had to take Lily to the vet. We figured if one animal was on Prozac then hell, let's drug'em all! No, I keed. Lily went to the vet because lately she has been scooting across the carpet and I guess that's not normal. Although watching her scoot made me want a roomba so it could follow her scoot trail across the living room. Not that she left a scoot trail. I swear our house is clean.

The vet told jparks that Lily needed her anal glands expressed and taught him how to do it. So now jparks is in charge of expressing the anal glands of all of our animals. He's the Anal Gland Expresser or AGE, if you will. Do you have some anal glands that need expressing? Call jparks, he's the AGE! He offers competitive pricing on all expressing jobs! And with his professional hands, your dog will enjoy the expressing experience! Call now, operators are standing by!

So now Molly's on Prozac, Lily's been expressed, and Tangi is perfectly fine. And I was fine until a second ago when Lily's expressed butt oozed onto me. Time to go change. We can only have one family member at a time with dog butt ooze on them, and jparks currently has this position filled.

i miss cds

Thanks to iTunes jparks has put a ban on buying actual cds. At first I resisted this ban, crying for liner notes I could hold in my hand, the actual case with a song list, cover art with...

Sorry, I'm watching Grey's Anatomy as I type this and dang, that McDreamy is cute. I'm still in season one and he's wearing a preppy girl's wet dream come true: button down under a sweater. Sheesh, I'm swooning.

Anyway, cds. cds. cds.

McDreamy in scrubs. We all know I love scrubs and McDreamy in scrubs just makes them all that much better. How do the women on this show stay focused when filming?

eww, spinal surgery. Nothing brings you back from McDreamyland faster than spinal surgery. That's kinda distracting. How can I focus on hotness when there's blood and such on screen?

I never liked that Katherine "Izzie" Heigl until I started watching Grey's. Now I want to invite her over to make cupcakes. Chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing. And then we're going to hold down Ellen "Grey" Pompeo and shove those cupcakes down her throat until her scary toothpick arms look slightly normal.

Oh god! Spinal clot! Must cleanse memory by staring at McDreamy. oooh, all better now.

I've never had big surgery before so I'm wondering if they really wheel you in to the OR awake. Me thinks I would not like that.

Man, why did I wait so long to start watching this show? Why didn't someone tell me about the wonder that is McDreamy?

Oh, right, cds. I miss them. Am I the only one?

don't feel special, I cut and pasted this from an email I sent earlier

How is everyone today?

Am too hungry to form compound sentences. It's an hour until lunch. dammit.

Saw Shrek the Third this weekend. It was blah. Would not recommend.

Went to a baby shower. It was an anti-baby shower. We played Sex and the City trivia. Ate too many pieces of homemade bread with butter.

Not much else happened. Went to a museum. Saw an exhibit on Vivienne Westwood's fashion. Made me miss Project Runway. Come back Project Runway!

My hair is bothering me today. Didn't blow it dry. This was a mistake. Bangs are being fluffy. Am considering using a paper clip to tame them.

Did I mention I was hungry?

I think I'm fighting off a cold. Should probably drink some airborne.

And now you can feel special. Added in some text that wasn't in the email to friends. You know, because I love you guys and shit.

yeah, I know

I'm well aware I look like an idiot. I don't care.

And I will be buying a real pair of sunglasses to bring with me to Hawaii. These are my "fun" ones that offer little to no sun protection. What they do offer is laughter. Lots and lots of laughter.

it's really not about winning

Today was our track day at Boot Camp and we all did the best we could. Some folks did better than others but we all tried our hardest and that's what's important.

Okay, who am I kidding, I'm hyper competitive and it's all I can do to keep it in check at times. I totally kicked ass today and I'm super proud of it (and a little braggy). Camp started with a mile run. Now this I did not kick ass in. But we'll move right past this and onto the part of the story where I win. I win, I win, I win!

After we broke into groups, those that could run 10 minute miles and those that could not, we were required to sprint a lap around the park. I was with the over 10 minute milers, but only by a few seconds, and when we started sprinting I was towards the front of that pack. When were finished sprinting I was out in front of that pack.

Out. In. Front. As in, I smoked all of the girls in my group. Now considering I was in the slow group by only a few seconds, this is really not that much of an accomplishment. And if you consider that I would have finished last out of the faster group, then it seems like an even crappier accomplishment.

But dammit it, I won. I won a non-race thing. A thing that had no winners or losers, but I won.

I am a sick person. And I haven't even told you about my board game competitiveness. That's when I'm at my worst.

my idea of training is very different than his

I am trying to sign jparks and I up for a half marathon at the end of the summer and am viewing this as a chance to buckle down and workout a training plan. Jparks is viewing this as an event that he can totally walk, if not run, with little to no training. This morning when I got up for boot camp he was supposed to get up and run. Upon returning home I found him in the shower, which I took as a sign that maybe, maybe, he did as he said he would and started training.

"Hey, did you run this morning"

"Well, I had a dream that I sprinted a whole mile! That's just as good as actually running."

I think I'm totally going to kick his ass in this race.

so non-magical they are basically muggles

Mary-Lynn once spoke of magic pants. Magic pants are ones that seem to fit perfectly no matter what shoes you wear, or if you put on a couple of pounds. Ones that you can wear out to your local bar or to the office. Ones you can always count on to boost your ego and make you feel incredible.

I used to have a pair of magic pants, but recently they were retired thanks to a hole in the bum area. No pants have stepped up to take their place, but one of my pairs of jeans have made it clear that they want to be the exact opposite of magic pants. They want to be evil, mean, cruel pants.

These jeans never fit. Never. No matter how much weight I lose or how toned I get, these jeans still give me the sexy muffin top look. I like to pull them out of the closet on days when I'm feeling skinny and have them deflate my ego. I can't wear them with flats or with heels because the length is not right for either.

Basically these pants hate me, and mock me every chance they get. And yet I can't get rid of them. I recently did a purge of my closet, getting rid of all the clothes that have gotten too big or just didn't fit right. And, even knowing how much trouble these jeans cause, I decided to hang on to them.

The reason I can't get rid of them is because tomorrow morning I start Boot Camp and I feel like this might finally help me win my battle against these jeans. These jeans will be the motivating factor helping me out of bed at 5:45 in the morning. The inspiration I need to go out and run and crunch and jump and pushup when other people are still snug in bed.

Well, those jeans and the fact that I need to wear a bathing suit in 24 days. That's equally as motivating.