regan is wondering

This should come as no surprise to anyone around here, but posting has been light lately. I'm blaming this on the fact that I'm no longer working and therefore am not confined to a desk for 8 hours every day. It turns out that I'm a day time blog poster, not a night time one, because at night I'm so busy watching crap shows on Bravo spending time with jparks that I can't find the time to post here. This does not mean that I'm abandoning the blog, it just means that I suck. Sorry.

Even when I was at my best with posting here, I failed miserably at updating other social networking sites. It's actually embarrassing how little I use my facebook account. The other day I uploaded a picture there and discovered that some of my contacts didn't even know I was pregnant. The point of facebook is for people to easily keep up to date with their friends' lives, yet I apparently don't understand that concept. But wait, isn't that why I have a blog?

I guess what I'm wondering is, what are the rules for blog and facebook crossover? Is it annoying to post to your blog and then link to that post in your facebook status? Is there an app that does it for you? Does it come off as a desperate plea for attention? Or should I assume that the people that are my facebook friends know about my blog and if they wanted to read it, they would? I mean, the more people are all "whoa, I didn't know you're pregnant!" over there, the more I feel like an ass of a friend. But I fail at updating facebook. Really, I tried, but I'm no good at it.

So, internet, what are the rules for this sort of thing? Do it and possibly come off as an attention whore? Or stick to posting updated statuses to facebook every 6 months or so? Or is it totally acceptable and I'm just over thinking it like I do about most things?

showered!

This Saturday was my baby shower and before you go thinking that it was just another typical baby shower, let me say that it was not. It was a totally awesome BBQ baby shower, also known as the BaByQ. There were burgers, jalapenos filled with cream cheese and wrapped in bacon, oreo truffles, and booze. Also otter pops, but I think I was the only person that ate those since it was actually cool out and no one was suffering from heat stroke except for me.

It was truly the ideal shower for me because I get nervous and make bad jokes when I'm the center of attention. And really does anyone, mother-to-be included, enjoy sitting and opening all the gifts in front of the guests? Is it just me or is that a weird custom? Also baby games make my skin crawl. "Hey, I'm feeling really fat and cow like! Let's all guess how big I am! That totally won't kill the last bits of self esteem that I have!" Wow, am I ever a bitter person.

Lots of our friends at the BBQ asked if I felt ready for the baby and I had to admit that sometimes I do feel ready but those times tend to get beaten into submission by the times when I realize that oh holy hell, a baby will be living with me soon. A baby that needs to be fed, changed, and bathed. Since I have the best friends ever, they were quick to tell me that jparks and I will be great parents, which makes my hormone filled brain go fuzzy and possibly makes tears fill my eyes. It's one thing to hear jparks repeatedly tell me that we'll be good parents, but it's another to have people that aren't legally required to tell me that say it.

One friend likes to remind me that 16 year olds in high school bathrooms are giving birth and raising babies and if they can do it, then I'll be fine. Since I like to take things as far as I can, I've started tivo'ing MTV's new show "16 and Pregnant" because it eases some of my fears. My other favorite show is "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" which causes me to hate myself for not being able to remove it from my tivo's to do list. Both of these shows make me feel like I'm bound to be a good mother because A) I'm not 16 and fighting with my baby daddy about if we should spend money on formula or getting the kid's name tattooed across our chests and B) because I'm well aware that I have a baby inside of me, am getting prenatal care, and won't go to the bathroom one day only to look down and find a baby in the toilet.

And speaking of being a good mother, I may not know how to bath or swaddle the kid when he gets here, but he will have the freaking cutest socks ever. Also jparks is now the proud (extremely proud) owner of a diaper dude bag so really we're 100% set for parenthood.

does this mean I have sister-wives?

Last Thursday jparks picked up and built the latest addition to the nursery, the crib. And then on Friday I went to an OB appointment and was told that I've reached the point in the pregnancy where I have to go in for check ups every two weeks. Because apparently we are having a baby soon. Both of those events sent my mind reeling because a baby needs things and I don't have things! Also, what do I know about babies? I'm afraid to even hold a newborn because they are breakable. Ask our friends that have kids, I won't touch the baby for a couple of weeks because I didn't want to be the person that is responsible for giving the kid a soft spot noogie on accident. And yet it appears I'm going to be bringing one home in about eight weeks.

This realization led to me scouring Baby Bargains for product reviews and then heading over to my registries to add and delete items obsessively. After searching for my Babies R Us registry I noticed this:



Whoa, jparks gets around! He's a man whore with babies all over the country!

And then on Amazon he has a few more baby mommas:



I feel so cheap and used. And a bit scared because here I thought I was just unleashing one mini-jparks onto the world, but I was so wrong. There will be many and, my god, the world is not ready for that.

I never would have guessed that I'm a SoCal kind of girl

Despite living in California for three years, I've never really ventured outside of the Bay Area. When jparks and I plan vacations, we tend to want to travel to places that require passports and plane rides or we head back to NOLA to visit family. We've both been itching for a vacation and since I had to make the drive down to Los Angeles to pick up my limping husband, I figured we should make a short vacation out of it. After consulting with someone that actually knows about Southern Cal, I booked us three nights in the Laguna Beach/Dana Point area. Holy crap, that Whoorl will not steer you wrong on vacation advice because the whole area was gorgeous.

Jparks' knee was really swollen and walking on uneven ground was not really an option, so we never made it to the beach, but that didn't stop us from lounging about while doing nothing. Our hotel room had two patios and one was large enough for two lounge chairs and a table, so we spent one afternoon on it, soaking up the sun. Or in my case, soaking up the shade while wearing SPF 50 and still getting sunburned. The only thing missing was a bottle of champagne.



We also carved out time to see a movie (The Hangover, which was pretty funny although totally ridiculous) and jparks was treated to a pedicure. When I picked him up from the ride he leaned in and whispered to me "I'm really looking forward to the pedicure" so I knew that even though I hadn't made us pedicure appointments, I would have to find a place to fit us in. And what do you know, I found a place:



The woman giving jparks his pedicure offered to give him a clear coat of polish but he was not on board for that. I didn't understand why not, I mean if you're getting a pedicure you might as well go all out. And it's clear polish, not red like I got.

All in all the four days away was wonderful and I am now hopelessly in love with that area. I expected extremely hot weather but was treated to temps lower than here in the perpetually cool Bay Area. Also the whole area was green and lush and I kept telling jparks that I want to live in Southern Cal where they take water for granted and have plenty of plants and trees. Not that we don't have green around here, but it's not nearly as wide spread. Damn us and our water conserving ways.

I can't wait to go back and hopefully next time jparks won't be a gimp so we can visit the beach, although I was told the water is too cold to go into without a wetsuit. Also, I can't wait to go back so we can go to Harbor House Cafe and have another monster banana split.

lackadaisical life

So it appears the crazy got turned down a couple of notches after I talked about it but in exchange my laziness went up a few notches. For example, we have three toilets in the house. Two have been out of toilet paper since Tuesday and the third was running dangerously low. I had toilet paper in the garage, but holy hell that's two flights of stairs away from some of the bathrooms. Instead of bringing the toilet paper into the actual house I just stopped using the two bathrooms with no paper. Now I do enter the garage at least two or three times a day yet it never occurred to me grab the toilet paper until I was in the house and by then I'm not walking back down the stairs. That's way too much activity for me.

I did finally cave and brought the toilet paper inside but only because I hit a point of no return where it was either bring it in or start using the baby wipes that a friend gave me. And since I'm fairly certain baby wipes aren't flushable and that's not a road I wanted to go down yet, toilet paper it had to be.

Besides my toilet paper laziness I have delayed packing for my trip down to Southern California until tonight and I leave in the morning. Also, I'm delaying it even more by typing this pointless post. On top of that I still have to take the trash out, fill out my unemployment form, and figure out directions to the VA Center in L.A. where jparks' AIDS Lifecycle ride ends. Maybe I should put some extra food out for the cats too. I'm also pretending that I didn't have a running list of errands and tasks to complete around the house this week because I only did one of them. Maybe. I can't really remember. Wait, yes, nap was on the list and I did that.

My crowning laziness achievement was when I went to the dry cleaners today to pick up some pants I had there. Turns out the pants were so far past their pick up date that the lady behind the counter said they don't usually allow people to pick up items that at this point, but because I'm pregnant and obviously have a lot on my mind, she would let me. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I knew they needed to be picked up and even though I live within walking distance I just couldn't be bothered. Or that when I was at the grocery store numerous times in the past month the extra five steps to the cleaners would have killed me. I'm just too damn lazy for those five steps. I did however tell her that it was jparks fault, that he was the one that forgot the pants, not me. This of course, is totally not true in any way and I doubt he even knew the pants were there. When I told her that she shook her head, laughed, and said "That's husbands for you, always forgetting to run errands!" Ha, yes, husbands, darn them for being so lazy!

Now you'll have to excuse me as I end this abruptly because coming up with a coherent conclusion is obviously way too much work.

I remember when I lost my mind

With jparks being out of town this week (in case you're wondering he's doing okay. He hurt his knee today and now has to shave his leg so the medics can tape it up for him. I can't wait to see the one shaved leg look) I was expecting the level of crazy that I have to deal with to be at an all time low. I was wrong.

It started on Monday when I went to Whole Foods. I parked, was getting out of the car when an older man, maybe around 70, walked in front of my parked car and started yelling at me that I had almost run him over. I was a bit confused and asked if he meant while I was driving through the parking lot. He responded with a very yell-y "No, just now when I was walking in front of your car!" So yeah, I almost ran over a 70 year old with my parked car, while the keys were in my hand, the driver door was open, and I was halfway out the door. It's a talent I have. Not knowing what else to do, I apologized and headed towards the store. The whole walk across the parking lot he was yelling at me while people looked at us bewildered. I'm surprised I didn't come back to a car that had been keyed or at least covered in organic, free range eggs.

No, I'm not that lucky because what I came back to was way worse. As I exited the store I saw two people dry humping on the trunk of my car. My first thought was "damn teenagers!" but as I got closer I realized that this wasn't horny teenagers, this was horny 40 something year olds. Dry humping! On my car! I mean, come on people at least do it on your own cars, which were plenty of big enough to dry hump on or in. (Mercedes wagon, BMW 7 series. Plenty of humping room in those.) As I approached, still not quite knowing what to say, the couple noticed me and scurried back to their own cars which were parked on either side of mine. They never went in the store (neither car was there when I parked) and this leads me to believe that they were having an affair and decided to meet at their local Whole Foods for a little dry humping. Because nothing is sexier than a Whole Foods parking lot.

The final bit of crazy I've encountered this week was tonight when I went swimming at our neighborhood pool. Normally I try and go early in the morning or around 6:30 in the evening so there aren't many people there to be scared by my stomach. Tonight I got there and a woman was swimming laps, which is pretty common. She was swimming freestyle the whole time and I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about her. Another couple showed up after 30 minutes and were sitting on the deck when lapper climbed out of the pool. Revealing that she was topless. And at least 60 years old. With droopy boobs. I nearly drowned because the shock of it was too much. The other couple was obviously shocked too, but thank god they still possessed their ability to speak, unlike me. As Droopy Boobs stood on the side of the pool drying off, the guy politely told her that this was a pool that is open to the whole neighborhood, that lots of kids come here to swim, and that it might be considerate for her to swim with some sort of top from now on. She thanked him for the advice and explained that she had just moved here and that she's used to topless swimming. Of course, she was topless while she explained all of this which was totally not awkward.

Dear crazy people of the Bay Area, I'm tired. And while I appreciate you guys going all out to keep me entertained while jparks is gone, do you think we could tone it down for the rest of the week? I don't have the energy to deal with anymore dry humping or dropping boobs. So let's reign it in and take our meds. Or at the very least, give me a few days on sanity and resume the crazy on Friday. Deal?