yes, I am the meanest person to ever enter Disney World

Besides making me very angry yesterday, Disney World has been an incredible amount of fun. The rides, the characters, the shows, all of it is incredibly detailed and amazing. I was a little worried that we would be bored by the end of the week, but I now see how that's not even close becoming a reality. We will collapse from exhaustion before we run out of things to do.

Last night was Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party and to get into the spirit of the night I decided to crush a few kids hopes and dreams. Ok, maybe I didn't plan that ahead of time, but upsetting some of them is what happened although it wasn't really my fault.

There was an Alice in Wonderland Treat Trail featuring the namesake at the start of it taking pictures with guests. After some begging, I convienced jparks to take my picture with Alice, even though he feels that taking pictures with characters in Disney World is best suited for the kids and if an adult does it they might as well put a gun in their mouth, because they have failed as a member of society.

I was in line when the Cast Member attending to Alice announced she would be leaving shortly and might not make it to all the guests in line. I figured I would press my luck and see if I could make it up to her before she had to take her smoke and booze break (seriously the people that dress up have to be drunk or high or snorting some drug that Disney specially cooks up, because their level of chipperness and dedication to their character is scary). When I got to the front of the line the Cast Member declared that Alice would only be taking a picture with one more family and then she was leaving.

All the kids whined and sighed and basically acted like brats children act when a toy is dangled in front of them and then pulled away. And then they realized it would be me, a stupid adult, that would get to take their picture with Alice and not them.

Ha! Take that kids! You dressed up and painted your faces and got all excited for Halloween and then I show up in my normal clothes, I couldn't even be bothered with a special Halloween shirt or anything, and I get to take my picture with Alice. I am awesome and you, well you kid, you just suck.

grumble!

Disney's computer system sucks. Please excuse me while I go rebuy some fucking tickets that I bought a week ago, but they lost. Oh wait, the morons that run this mouse house didn't lose them, they just cancelled my reservation for me. Thanks Disney, that's so super nice of you.

Bastards.

very early

It's not very early when I'm writing this, but it will be very early when this is published. I'm getting smart and creating my post for Saturday right now, before bed, while I can still form coherent thoughts. Our flight leaves at 7:30am and we are leaving for the airport at 5:30am and we don't land in Orlando until way late Saturday night. If I don't crank this out now, it probably won't get done.

As we all know, I'm not a good flier. But this time I have a plan. This time I'm not going to get sick or nauseous thanks to my discovery of these bracelets. Let's all say it together "These are not a load of crap. They will work, they will work" Thanks, I needed to know I had your support in thinking these would be effective.

Supposedly the bracelets hit an acupressure point in your wrist and calm upset stomachs. Normally I would think that is a load of crap, but I do like my acupuncturist, and while she did not suggest this, I like to think that what she does for a living in not a load of crap. My back has been feeling better lately, so she must be doing something right.

I never used to get motion sick as a kid. I could read in cars and not have a problem. I could ride every roller coaster at AstroWorld and not want to puke. But sometime between 20 and 22 the motion sickness button was flipped in me and even the most tame ride could get my head lodged in a toilet. If the bracelets work on the plane I'm going to try wearing them to DisneyWorld. Maybe I'll get to ride the Tower of Terror, which looks like just the kind of ride that could make me ill for the rest of the day.

Or maybe the bracelets won't work and I'll puke all over jparks. Either way I'm sure it'll be a good time.

edit: I worte that other stuff last night. Now it's 430 in the morning and I now know that being awake this early in the morning sucks. sucksucksucks. It's hard to form clear thoughts at this hour. nbk jt;hsr©ˆ´®t ajhgnbz fdlk/gbl. Time to shower...

Maybe I'll find a computer in Epcot with internet

I just called the hotel (don't call a Disney Resort a hotel while on the phone with a Disney employee, they'll correct you. Every single time you say hotel they. will. correct. you. You can't win this test of wills Ms. Disney Employee, I'm going to call it a hotel and you can't stop me) to find out if the hotel(!) has internet access. The chipper answer was "Yes, and it's even high speed!" But when I asked if it was free, the tone in her voice changed. It turned a lot less chipper, as she explained that it's $9.95 for 24 hours.

$10 a day for internet! That is such a rip off. Disney is mega stupid rich and they can't provide free wi-fi to their hotel guests? Maybe I'm making wrong assumptions and it's not 24 hours as in noon to noon, but 24 hours that ticks down for every hour you are logged in.

Anyway, I guess this is just my way of saying I might not be able to post as much as I planned. I'm still going to try to post daily, but unless someone wants to send me $50 for internet access, it might not happen. The weather better be beautiful to make up for this crap.

knocking some sense into me

Last night I gave myself a mild concussion. It was totally not fun and I don't recommend doing it, even if you are trying to make Jackass 3. This actually hurt more than the time I stepped on a rake at Girl Scout camp and it flew up and hit me in the forehead. And I can honestly say that stupid rake hurt a lot.

I bet you're wondering how one goes about creating their own mild concussion. First you leave the cabinet above the washing machine open. Then you reach inside the washing machine to move clothes to the dryer. You do this once successfully so that next time you don't pay much attention to the open door. This next step is the key to the whole operation: go to grab more clothes, as you reach into the machine you slam your head onto the corner of the door. The impact must be so hard that you fall to the ground yelling and you don't even see stars, just blackness.

It was bad. My vision went all blurry and I had ringing in my ears. Jparks was outside for the actual hitting portion and when he came back in I had gotten up and for some reason decided to refill the cats water bowl. I guess I thought it would make me feel better. He took the bowl from me and made me go lay down. As soon as I hit the bed I wanted to go to sleep, but just couldn't. Between the throbbing head and blurry world I couldn't get comfortable. We joked that it might be a concussion, but not wanting to have to stay up all night, I didn't go look up the symptoms. Jparks brought me a bag of ice to numb the pain and I whined a bit more before falling asleep.

When I woke up this morning my head was still throbbing and was sore. The area from my forehead to about half way back hurts when it's touched. Even the water hitting it in the shower hurt.

I'm now at work and it's not getting any better. But I have looked up signs of a concussion and I meet quite a few of them, so now I know that falling asleep last night was probably not the smartest thing to do. My boss keeps saying that I seem really out of it and wants to know if I feel like I need to go home. The answer is yes, I would love to go home, but I don't feel like that might help. I'm extremely tired, but staying at work is probably better. Here I can keep moving and working and not wallow in the fact that I am the world's largest moron. Plus if I collapse while in the office at least there are people to notice, at home Tangi would probably just come over and use my body as a scratching post.

Between this post and this post I bet you're worried that jparks and I won't live to see 30. You're probably right. We probably shouldn't have kids either. Ah well, we'll just have the kids wear helmets and kneepads, I'm sure they'll be fine.

a post a day keeps the doctor away

The end of October is nigh and it's time I talk about NaBloPoMo. Besides being something really fun to say, NaBloPoMo is a made up holiday by this obviously insane funny lady. Basically by adding the participant button to my blog I've vowed to make a post a day, every day in November. Not that there is a NaBloPoMo Police Squad watching and checking for a new post every day. So easy to cheat...Must resist temptation...

Normally posting daily would not be a problem but jparks and I leave for DisneyWorld on Saturday and I'm not sure how the internet access is there. And then we have whole days this month where we'll be stuck in airports traveling (home from Disney and to NOLA for Thanksgiving). Maybe I can write up some posts and save them for those days, you know charming stories of my childhood and other crap. Or maybe I'll tell you all about how I wore all black in high school and was total goth. Wow, I have so many options.

So, keep an eye on this blog all month, weekends included, for new posts. New posts about the same old crap.

FYI: If you can't see the participant button, the it's time you download firefox. And if you don't want to download firefox, then the hell with you. Kidding, just scroll towads the bottom of this page and you'll see many wonderous things you've been missing on my blog.

taking orders

Tonight I had my first sewing class. Why am I taking a sewing class? Because I didn't take home ec in high school. I didn't even realize home ec was an option. If you were in the gifted classes you don't get to take useful classes like home ec, you get to take fun classes like Biology II AP, because that'll totally be useful when I need some pants hemmed or when my kids want Halloween costumes made. Thank god I dissected that rat in high school, that knowledge has come in so handy.

Anyway, tonight I went to my first class and picked out my very first pattern to sew. It's a super cute clutch. Tiny and easy. If it comes out well I'm going to make another in a black fabric for holiday parties. And then I'm going to make one for every person I know for Christmas. Even the guys. Get your color requests in now.*


*Please note that just because you get a request in doesn't guarantee you a clutch. I am known for being lazy and only half completing projects. Check out my rubbermaid knitting crate for proof of my laziness.

game over

The third pair of boots for my fun game of BFCWFC came in and even though they were supposed to be extended calf, they didn't fit. I should have known better than to expect a real extended calf from J.Crew. Here they are, in case you are keeping track of all the styles I've ordered and tried on lately.


I was planning on giving up, calling off the game because it was becoming too tiresome, too embarrassing, too self esteem crushing, but then I made shopping plans with Linda and Kathy. When they found out I was about to give up they whipped me back into shape, complete with cries of "Winners never quit!" and "Knowing is half the battle!" or something like that. It was very inspirational either way.

We headed to Bloomingdales, where I attacked the shoe department with my head held high. If I was going to find boots then I had to think positive and have a good attitude. I found two pairs that were both cute and not overly expensive and one pair that I thought was cute, but the brand was more known for comfort and not for style. I mean, I thought the boot was cute, but maybe I was just so desperate that anything looked good to me now.

I tried on the first two pairs and, holy crap, they fit. They were tight in the top and loose in the ankle, but dang it I could get them zipped. I called Kathy and Linda over to witness the miracle and they then convinced me to try on the third pair, the comfort boot. Well, apparently Bloomingdales exists in some weird alternate universe because the third pair of boots fit as well. Seriously, they had three pairs of boots housed in their shoe department that fit, when I've been agonizing over this for how long now? I officially have a special place in my heart for Bloomingdales now.

I ended up getting the comfort boots because they were the more unique looking out of the three pairs, and they were comfortable (surprising, eh?). So here they are, the winners of the Boot for Chicks with Fat Calves game:


The picture does not do them justice. They are really cute.

And, as a side note, the shoe department guy that was helping me suggested I buy whatever pair I like best and just have them stretched by a shoe repair place. Yeah, the solution to my problem was apparently that simple and obvious and I never even freaking thought of it. The shoe guy said he's seen women buy boots that were no where close to zipping and then they have them stretched and, viola, you have boots that zip. I feel like a big huge moron for not thinking of that months ago.

happy birthday jparks

I tried telling jparks that these were just ribbons, but he insisted on wearing it as a toupee. He sure can be stubborn.

birthday menu

Tomorrow night I start working on jparks' birthday picnic lineup. So far the only things I know I'm making are cupcakes, cupcakes, and more freaking cupcakes. And cheeses. I guess I'm not really making cheeses as much as going to Trader Joe's and handing over cash for them. Same difference.

I'm thinking of also having curried apple couscous, maybe some sandwiches, and uh, I don't know, something else. The problem is that everything I make must be okay cold or room temperature. Lauren suggested a great sounding salad, but it contains tomatoes and jparks does not do tomatoes. I'm honestly kinda out of ideas. But, I haven't really looked through my cookbooks yet, so I may actually have a ton of ideas and I just don't realize it.

Any suggestions?

I think my expression says it all

This crap is foul. It tastes like watered down mouthwash but unlike mouthwash, when you drink the whole bottle you don't get drunk.

update: If you let this stuff come to room temperature it's more tolerable. I could see if you had just eaten a big garlic-filled meal how this beverage would be good. But if you didn't eat garlic, then stay away from it. Stay far, far away.

cutting the few hairs he has left

Earlier today I was worrying about what jparks story I would have to tell tonight. I mean, I'm sure there are many, many things I could say that would entertain and maybe make our Mom's slightly uncomfortable but I was having trouble pulling one out of my memory.

And then jparks came home today and asked if he could shave his head. With his beard trimmer. And if I could do it. And that, folks, is what I call blog posting goodness.

I think all I need to say is that the beard trimmer quit most of the way through leaving this on the back of jparks' head.



He was not happy, but he was very itchy. And I laughed so hard I snorted. Ah, good times.

this must be jparks week

I guess since his birthday is on Sunday, I've unintentionaly made this week jparks week on my blog. Yay for the birth of my husband.

Today the second round of my favorite new game "Boots for Chicks with Fat Calves" was set to happen. I ordered these boots this time:

I know that these are not nearly as cute as these, but I figured that maybe less cute= more room in the calf. Don't ask, the logic was flawless in my head.

Anyway, they arrived at the apartment today but were delivered to the leasing office. I knew I wouldn't be home before the office closed and therefore would not have my boots today. Jparks was planning on climbing after work and wouldn't be home before the office closed either. Sad me, no boots.

I wanted to call jparks and ask him to go to the leasing office before the gym but he had people with him and I didn't want him to drag said people all over Sunnyvale. So I just quietly accepted I would have to wait another day for my boots.

But when jparks came home he had my boots with him! Without me having to ask he went to the leasing office before the gym and got my package. He loves me and knows how important it is to get this round of "Boots for Chicks with Fat Calves" (hereout known as BFCWFC) played. When he does things like this it makes me forgive him for all the farting he does in bed at night.

And in case you're wondering these stupid boots didn't fit either. I have a third pair coming tomorrow. If those don't fit we move into super double overtime in BFCWFC. That round involves me going to the mall and trying on every pair of boots starting at one department store and working my way all the way down to the other department store. Bottom floor and top floor in between each department store included. And while doing that I'll be wearing a shirt that says "Girls with fat calves need boots too". Sigh, this is a tiring game.

woe is me...

My beloved has fallen for another. He was lured in by her ample bosom, which were corseted up to her chin. She even presented him to the Queen as her one true love. I'm sure he's forgotten all about me by now. Sigh.

jparks and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Yesterday jparks had a rough day, mainly due to the fact that he can't learn from his mistakes.

First I was sitting on the floor opening my new cupcake carrying case and cupcake tree when he walked over and grabbed at my boobs. Why was he grabbing at my boobs? Well, he is jparks. If he didn't grab at my boobs I might not recognize him.

As I mentioned, I was sitting on the floor and when he grabbed at my boobs I swung out and hit him in the crotch. It was truly just a reflex and I didn't even realize I had hit him that hard, at least not until he dropped to the ground, grew red in the face, and gasped for air between cries.

Later, when he had recovered, jparks came to annoy Lily while she was trying to sleep. She wanted none of this and bit him on the nose. Did he learn not to bother a sleeping dog? No, he didn't. He pestered her some more until she bit him again. Personally I sided with Lily and would have bitten him too.

And to end his day of a bitten nose and bruised nuts, jparks came and sat next to me on the couch. He leaned over to bite my arm (yeah I don't know what's wrong with my husband, he has mental problems) and got a mouth full of hydrocortisone spray.

My arms had started itching really badly at my work event and I sprayed them the next day when it hadn't stopped. I hadn't mentioned the spray to jparks because, well I honestly didn't see him licking or biting my arms in the near future. Lesson learned: expected the unexpected. As soon as my flesh hit his tongue he recoiled with a look of disgust that I would have paid to see again.

Later that evening he reached over and bit my arm again. Ha, moron! The awesome look from before crossed his face as I laughed and asked why he didn't learn. He ran off to rinse out his mouth, muttering under his breath about why I didn't remind him about the spray.

One hit in the nuts, 2 dog bites, and 2 tastes of hydrocortisone spray. It was a bad day for jparks, but an entertaining one for me.

Bling!

I've been working crazy long hours the past few days and haven't had time for many other things. Seriously, if it's not work related it might not happen, including eating and sleeping. I was at work for 12 hours yeaterday and maybe got out of my chair 15 times and not one of those times was for food.

Of course, as busy as I've been I have managed time for Project Runway. And thank god I did because otherwise I would have missed my new most favorite sound clip of all time: Tim Gunn saying Bling! Who knew that Tim even knew what bling was? I would have thought he would have had a big, better, much smarter word for bling. Illuminated accoutrements. Coruscating finishings. But not bling. Oh that Tim, he's always full of surprises.

And did anyone watch the very end? I can't decide if Jeffrey's out or not. What do you think?

the time has come

Okay folks, remain calm, because this is big. BIG I tell ya!


Ugly shirt is on sale.

Yeah, you read that correctly, it's now on sale for $24.49. I want a large, so who's going to order it for me? If someone buys it for me I promise to have a fashion show complete with pictures. I'll even do a photo shoot of ugly shirt around town.

dear lily,

Yes, you are cute. Yes, I love you very much and only want you to be happy. Yes, you are much better than the stupid cats that also live here.

But so help me god, if you don't sleep through the night tonight your cute butt will be boxed up and FedEx'd to MawMaw, where you will eat hamburgers until your tiny heart explodes. And I won't feel guilty for sending you to an untimely death. You want to know why there'll be no guilt? Because I'll be asleep; happily, blissfully asleep and the only reason I'll notice that you're missing is because nothing will wake me up every 20 minutes with a paw to the face as it frantically tries to burrow back under the covers.

I know you were very pissed with me on Saturday when I kept poking at you and wouldn't let you sleep for a minute, but dammit it, that night you didn't budge once. And you actually slept past 7am. It was a miracle and I plan on pestering you all this Saturday just for a repeat of this phenomenon known as sleeping in.

And while we're talking about things that you do that are really annoying, could you stop with the licking of my arm and the humping? I know that the crack of my elbow is so sexy to you, a neutered female dog, but stop. My elbow appreciates it and does want you to know the humping makes it feel very sexy, but it just does not like you in that way.

And happy (belated) 3rd birthday. If I knew where a dog bakery was around here I would have gotten you a cake.

fat calves + cute boots = sad me

I recently ordered these boots:

When they arrived they looked great in the box, great on my floor, and absolutely horrid on my leg. They were too small for my big calf and would only zip if I were wiling to catch of sizable chunk of flesh in the zipper.

I don't know why I thought these boots would be different. I should know better by now than to get my heart set on a pair of boots before ever trying them on. These boots were made for women with tiny toothpick legs that would crumple under my weight. These boots are not made for girls with fat calves that do not slim down no matter what because god cursed me with legs built like my father's.

On Monday I'm sending the cute boots back to Online Shoes. On Tuesday I'm going to start researching exercises to slim down my calves. There must be something I can do to finally overcome my affliction. I've never wanted liposuction before, but I might consider it now.

Ack! Let the record show I had this post up before Oh My That's Awesome raved about these boots. Also, please note I paid less than that for them. And please note, again, these people did not hire me. I think they are prejudice against people with fat calves.

excuse me while I buy your friendship

Earlier this week I received a request to support my nephew's school by purchasing a magazine subscription. Now we know I love getting magazines but if I get one more subscription the mailman is going to stop delivering to my apartment. So I have deal for you dear readers.

If you have a blog or some other form of a website and post a link to my blog then you will be entered into a drawing for a magazine subscription. The winner will be randomly selected from all entries. You can pick from a big long list of titles and I'll send you the subscription for a year, simple as that. I would prefer that the link on your site be kinda permanent, like in a blogroll, but if you want to slap it in a post encouraging folks to read about me then I'll take that too. If you already have a link to me, that counts for an entry too.

To enter, simply leave a comment or email me with a link to your link. The link must be posted by October 9th, 10pm my time. You have 4 days to accomplish this task, so hop to it.

finally a night of sleep

Jparks has been sick now for a few days and instead of doing something silly, like going to the doctor, he kept insisting that he is "strong like an ox" and refused to admit defeat. I've been giving him a steady dose of Nyquil every night and either he is a mutant or previously drank Nyquil for shits and giggles, because it does not knock him out like it should. Like I hoped it would. Why god, why does it not knock him out???

Last night jparks ended up sleeping in a sitting up-ish position because when he's upright he coughs less. And I get to sleep more, so it was a win-win situation all around. But a night of uncomfortable sleep positions was finally enough to get him to call a doctor and make an appointment for this afternoon. I think a little piece of jparks died when he made that appointment, but dammit, my man is growing up into a reasonable adult.

After diagnosing him with a sinus infection, he was sent on his way with antibiotics and cough syrup laced with codeine. When I heard the news I was excited. More than excited. Finally a drug that would put him out for a few hours. He would sleep, cough free, and I would sleep, and together we would be happy.

Except the codeine didn't knock him out. Seriously, what kind of human freak did I marry? I guess I should be happy though, because if codeine doesn't knock you out, it makes you hyper. But jparks wasn't really hyper, unless you count the rabid fire randomness spewing from his mouth. Had he been hyper I might have had to kick him out onto the mean streets of Sunnyvale.

At least the syrup quiets his cough, but if he won't sleep tonight I'm taking a bat to his head. Probably a metal one so it doesn't break upon contacting with his skull.

no blog posts for you

You can all hold jparks accountable for the lack of blog posts. I sat down tonight to make a lovely post about our day at the Renaissance Faire and that jerk pulled me away from the computer to have me make flight arrangements for our trip back to New Orleans during Christmas and New Year's. Yeah you read that right, we're coming home for the holidays.

Everyone better open their calendars up and make time for me, dammit!

And until I get the post about the Faire up, here's a picture of jparks trying to throw a knife. He took this very seriously and tried his best. Thank godness we don't have to rely on him to hunt down our food. But we would be sooooo skinny. hmmm, I'll have to check into that.

hoping for a rainy winter

Can I just tell you that the Bay Area deosn't fuck around when it comes to the changing of seasons. A few days ago it was warm. Not full out hot like New Orleans, but warm. Then it cooled down to what I would call fall, for maybe three days. Fall was nice, I was enjoying it, but then this morning I woke up and it's winter.

Now I know some locals might call me crazy, but temperatures in the upper 50's say winter to me. If I can wear a sweater, it's winter. If I get the itch to knit, it's winter. If I automatically order a latte instead of an iced latte, it's winter.

Thanks to this onslaught of winter weather Lily has to wear some of her wide array of sweaters and t-shirts. And she is thriller. T-H-R-I-L-L-E-D. She hates nothing more than wearing clothes, but she actually isn't being as stubborn about it as usual. I think even Lily agrees that it's cold and is ready to properly dress for the season.

Here she is representing the 504:


And even when Lily's got clothing on, she still feels the need to burrow herself into a blanket to nap.


It also rained today. It hasn't rained since the first two days we got out here in April. That's almost six months without seeing water falling from the sky. I forgot how much I love rain and cloudy days. I forgot how nice it is to have a grey sky filled with clouds above you. How nice rain feels on your face when it's been dry for so long. How rain makes me feel like I'm in New Orleans. How rain washes your car for you. Oh, rain stay for a while please.