Friday, the day my OB suggested inducing, has come and gone and I'm still knocked up. Sunday, my due date, has come and gone and I am still knocked up. Folks, this is getting old really quickly.
I honestly don't want to chat your ear off about still being pregnant but every thought I have lately goes something like this "Dammit kid, OOOOUUUUTTTT" or "I'm going to be pregnant forever. It could happen, I read about it on the internet." And speaking of the internet, one of my new hobbies is to research ways to induce labor online. I've found plenty of the old wives' tales; spicy foods, sex, and walking, but so far my favorite suggestion is to take a small flashlight, turn it on, and shove it into your vagina. Why? Because babies like to move towards light. Yes, according to the internet you can lure a baby out of your womb by making him think God is calling him towards a holy white light. How pissed would that kid be when he realizes instead of heaven, he's ended up in a hospital room with an idiot mother that shoved a flashlight into her vagina?
Of course, I've asked jparks to run to Sears and get one of those multi million candlepower spotlights. It's a bit big to shove up there, but when we're back at the OB's in a few hours and we're in the room waiting for him I'll have jparks grab a speculum and give the kid a good shining. It might be a stupid idea, but I read it on the internet so it must work. Now if only jparks still had long hair we could dress him up like Jesus so the kid wouldn't be too disappointed upon being born.
omg. i just died at the jesus parks. That's what the j in jparks stands for right? lol
ReplyDeleteI would never be able to look at the flashlight in the same way again.
ReplyDeleteOh, the internet. So wrong and weird in most of its suggestions.
ReplyDeleteWell now you can go to BlogHer next year for sure since you won't be missing your kids first bithday.
didn't Friends teach us that sex is another required encouragement, tell Jason he needs to hit it to get it :)
ReplyDeleteOh Regan, I'm so so sorry you are still knocked up. I hope the baby gets his act in gear. I've heard good things about eating pineapples to help bring on labor. Here's hoping your cervix is getting short and soft!
ReplyDeleteDitto on not being able to look at a flashlight the same way ever again.
ReplyDeleteI know this isn't much (any??) consolation, but after the kid is born, you will soon enough wish he were back inside... probably at something like 3 am.
If you are truly miserable, ask your OB to induce. Better than ending up with a two-week-late 10-pound baby.
ReplyDeletewalk to the light little one... i have just the flashlight!
ReplyDelete