porker

Today we are flying home from Florida. Did I mention we're in Florida visiting my mom? You know, because we Parkses don't like to half ass anything. Why go halfway across the country when you could go all the way across? So we've been in Florida for the past week but now we're heading home to our still packed to the gills apartment. Also, still no internet or cable there. You should know that since arriving at my mom's I been firmly planted on the couch, remote in hand, laptop open and running. God, I missed you crappy reality tv and internet gossip.

In the past I know I've mentioned how much I hate flying but let me state again, I hate flying. As far as I'm concerned the only good part about flying is shopping at the airport. I love stocking up on magazines, snacks and drinks which for jparks is the worst part about flying. He bitches and moans whenever he sees me eyeing the stores in the terminal so my way around this is to stock up on mags before getting to the airport. This trip's haul is this:


Originally the Mental Floss wasn't in the mix but I figured after reading Us Weekly and In Touch I would need something to sharpen my mental edge a bit. Also, Runner's World is there because marathon training starts again this week. Good times!

Besides showing you my diverse taste in magazines, the only thing I have to offer is this picture of Tru:


Doesn't he look like his nickname should be Porker?

breakdowns and stupidity, they go hand in hand

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Actually that's a huge understatement, last night I had a breakdown of epic proportions. You see, this move? Not going as smoothly as I expected. In fact, if jparks and I are still married when we arrive in Austin, I will be amazed. Last Saturday, after the house was packed and emptied, the carpets were steamed, and the cleaners vacuumed out our drawers, a junk trunk came to haul away the leftover bits of trash. I told jparks that I might kill him, stuff him in a box, and have the junk guys haul him away and no one would ever know. I was only 25% joking. Who knew moving would be the ultimate test of a relationship?

As I type this all of our stuff is in an 18 wheeler barreling towards Texas. Next Saturday Truman, the cat, and I will be on a plane barreling towards Texas. And at some undetermined point in the future, jparks will load up our car with our remaining crap and Lily and barrel his way towards Texas. It all sounds so easy and tidy, but it really isn't. And last night we hadn't even made that much of a plan, which is what prompted the breakdown. Oh man, it was ugly.

Today I am fine. Mostly.

Enough about my breakdown, let me tell you a story all about my stupidity. On Monday I took the car in for service because whenever I turned the air up to high a squealing noise drowned out the radio. Of course, no amount of testing by the repair guy could produce the sound and they eventually called me to pick up the car because it was obviously fine. Later that day jparks was driving and I cranked the air up yet it was still hot. That's when I noticed that both passenger air vents were closed and the noise was from air squeezing through the closed vents. I had taken the car in because someone coughcoughjparkscough had shut the air vents and I never noticed. I'm certain the repair guy knew this but had no good way to tell me without making me feel like an idiot. At least now I can see the upside of this move, I never have to go back to that Volvo dealership.

not willingly rocking a mohawk

I knew that when I got pregnant my hair would stop falling out and get all thick and luxurious. And it did and it was a-mazing! I've never had thick shiny hair and for 9 months I did. I'm not saying it was an equal trade for all the puking I did, but it was nice.

Of course, then I had the kid and everyone told me "Just you wait, your hair is going to fall out in clumps!" Thanks friends! I was sleep deprived and terrified I would wake up one morning looking like jparks. I would sit with Truman for our 2am feedings and think about how any second I would hear a little poof and watch all my hair flutter away from my head.

But then nothing happened. And a few more months past and still nothing. Then one day I was in the shower and I looked down at the drain to see that it was so covered in hair, water was actually having trouble draining. Just like that, everyone's predictions came true and my hair was falling out by the fistful. I went to my previously made hair appointment and my hair dresser actually laughed at how much hair I had loss. "You've got a receeding hair line!" she joked, but then promised me that it would mostly grow back.

Fast forward four months and this is the shitty situation I have going on on my head:


Right down the whole length of my part I have a frizzy mohawk. Along my forehead hairline I have baby bangs and little fuzzy patches at each temple. It is not pretty. Last night I caught jparks staring at it instead of looking at me while we were talking. It truly sucks.

Whenever I complain about something pregnancy related jparks likes to ask me "Was Truman not worth it?" This usually shuts me right up because unfortunately, yes he was worth it. But dammit, did having him have to screw with my hair?

April showers bring crap

I'm starting to suspect that April is here to kick my ass this year. I don't really understand why, I've never been mean to April, never talked bad about it. It's April! The time of spring and nice weather! It's not supposed to be a time when I walk around mad and only moments away from slugging an old lady. I should be happily stuffing my face with chocolate bunnies, which actually may explain the first situation.

I was at the gym today when a nice grandmotherly type woman approached me in the locker room and said "Passover is good for you dear. You could use less carbohydrates since those put weight on you." What in the world do you say this this? I am usually able to fire up a snarky response but this time I just stood there sort of open mouthed. Did I just get called fat by a sweet looking old lady? Yes I did. Fuck. At least you know I got on the treadmill and ran the hell out of a 5k after that.

And because gym crazies travel in pairs there was another lady just sprawled out on the floor of the locker room totally naked. People kept approaching her to ask if she needed medical help and her response was "No, I'm just relaxing." I'm willing to accept that people want to relax naked in the sauna and steam room. I'm willing to accept that people want to lotion themselves and blow dry their hair while naked. I am not willing to accept that someone will lie down on the floor naked to relax. In fact, I will not accept that someone will lie down on the floor of the locker room, in clothing, to relax. Save this kind of weird behavior for your own homes.

But the real reason I think April is here to kick my ass happened hours before either of those two events. I have a thing for large coffee cups, normal sized ones just aren't enough for me, especially first thing in the morning. So I loaded up my plenta sized cup this morning and headed to the living room where I proceeded to drop the cup with flair. I say flair because it managed to do a twist on the way down, making sure coffee went in every direction possible. Don't believe me? Check out my ceiling:


Well fuck, I spilled coffee on my ceiling. That takes real talent. Besides the ceiling it covered two couches, two pairs of shoes, Tru's new play area, the coffeetable, an exersaucer, and most of the floor. I honestly considered torching the place because lighting a match was just so much easier than cleaning. In the end I used a crapton of bath towels to sop it up and now the house smells like coffee so at least I'll be saving money on scented candles for awhile.

So yeah, we're on day 2 of April and already I am so done. And apparently I'm too fat to comfort myself with good food, so I'll be over here in the corner sucking down carrot sticks until May.

pen meets paper and you meet my handwriting

I shouldn't have to explain this stuff

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately and am often freaked out by my fellow gym goers. I don't know if it's just this particular gym or if all gyms worldwide are overflowing with freaks but I'm sick of it and would like to offer the world my Official Rules For Gym And Locker Room Usage: stop being so damn weird and I won't have to punch you (tm)

Cutting your toenails in the locker room and leaving your trimmings on the floor is wrong. Going to find a custodian and telling them that someone else did it and asking that they clean it up is now illegal. Act like a reasonable human and clip your toe nails at home.

The lotion that is provided in the locker room is now off limits unless you sign a waiver saying you will not apply it while standing around stark naked.

Actually, let's just say that no one can just hang out in the locker room naked anymore. Everyone's allowed to be naked long enough to change clothes, but no one is allowed to blow dry their hair naked anymore. No more putting on makeup while naked. I assure you I'm not being unreasonable as the average age in the locker room is 65.

The benches in the locker room? No more sitting on them when you don't have on underwear.

When you're working out please no short shorts if you're any of the following: male, over 25 years, over 110 pounds.

If there are three treadmills and someone is on treadmill A, you may not get on treadmill B, you must get on treadmill C. This applies to all cardio equipment if there are more than two pieces of it.

Guys, if your penis is getting overly excited while you're doing crunches or bench pressing you must leave the gym. Grab a workout towel, hold it over the offending area casually, and leave. Trust me, way more people notice if you continue with your workout than if you leave.

If you look at me and think "I want to be her friend!" don't try to spark that friendship if I'm in the middle of my workout or changing in the locker room. These are not the times to make me your friend, they are, however, the times to make me your enemy.

If you're going to floss in the locker room, do it by the sinks, not by the lockers. I will knock your teeth out if I have to imagine your plaque being flung all over the lockers one more time.

If your gym bag, clothes, shoes, and toiletries are spread over a bench, a locker, the floor, and a counter then you have too much stuff. You're not the only person that needs to use the locker room, so make some space.

The dirty towels go in the bin labeled "towels" so stop leaving them on the floor for the custodians to pick up.

If you're a male trainer and happen to have a nice upper body, your uniform will now not include a shirt.

This list is not a final list by any means and as I see more offending behavior the rules will grow. These rules should be adopted by all gyms because who knows when I might visit another gym while on vacation.

Seriously, what is wrong with people?

risking life and limb for bad weather protection

Friday night jparks and I went out for a date night. We had dinner at Xanh where I got a little tipsy and declared that I don't like people (but not you, you I like) then we saw Percy Jackson, which was awful and we spent the duration of the movie pining for New Orleans where you can order a daiquiri to help ease the pain of dumb movies, but none of that has anything to do with the rest of this story.

When we left the house it was raining so I decided to wear my new skinny jeans that I bought for the sole purpose of tucking into my lovely wellies. In the past I've discussed my disgustingly thick calves which do not fit into regular boots, and I hate to admit it but they have not changed. So when wellies are super cute and loose on other girls, they are snug and not as cute on me, yet I wear them anyway because no one likes wet feet.

So I was wearing my cute wellies all night and they were snug, especially since I crammed not only my calves and jeans into them but also a pair of violet welly socks. They weren't uncomfortable though, so I didn't think anything of it. Can anyone guess where this is going?

When we got home I tried to pull the left boot off and that's when things started to go downhill fast. The boot was completely stuck and the more I tugged on it, the more it became clear that it had no intention of budging. After a few pathetic moments of tugging on my own leg, I called in jparks to get the job done. It turns out the welliess were so stuck that jparks managed to pull me off the chair I was holding onto with a death grip when he yanked on them.

I thought the worst part would be just getting the wellies off my legs, but holy crap I was wrong. Once they were removed I realized my calves were on fire. And turning purple. It was not a good scene. I ended up not being able to sleep in pajama pants that night because having them rub around my legs was unbearable. And the only thing that made the sheets bearable was the ice packs I wrapped around my legs. Ice packs! The absurdity of the situation was not lost on me. I was crippled by my wellies! My feet stayed dry but I almost lost my legs below the knee. I probably gave myself deep vein thrombosis. It would be fitting if I died at the hands of my shoes.

It's still really rainy here but I haven't had the balls to wear the wellies again. Perhaps I can risk it if I skip the fleece socks. But damn they're cute. And isn't cuteness worth risking limb loss for?

crust twisting!

I would like someone to invent and send me a recipe for what I'm calling crust twists. Crust twists are the best part of a pie, the crust, twisted into sticks that can then be dipped into a fruit or cream sauce. Actually the dipping sauce is completely optional and only included so that people like jparks won't whine that the crust twists are too boring on their own. Crust twists should not be coated in cinnamon sugar because then we're talking churros, which are a totally different beast. Crust twists should remain as true to a regular pie crust recipe as possible, but should maybe be sturdier so they don't crumble when you pick them up. Also, maybe less flaky? Although I'm not sure about that though since flaky equals tasty.

Can you tell I've spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about crust twists lately? I wish I were kidding about my love for these things that do not exist (that I know of) but honestly, I love them. When I've had a rough day I spend a minute thinking about enjoying a crust twist with a nice cup of tea. Ohh, could we somehow infuse crust twists? Maybe an earl grey one? People I am just overflowing with good ideas tonight!

While we're talking about food and recipes, let me share the joy that are wasabi and soy sauce almonds. The lovely Metalia twittered about them a few weeks ago and as soon as I saw them in a store, I grabbed a tin. Holy crap, I'm addicted. The issue is that the small cans, that I can easily empty in an afternoon, are expensive. Which leads me back to my issue with crust twists: can someone create a recipe for wasabi and soy sauce coated almonds and send it to me? I've been scouring stores trying to locate either the lime and chili or the salt and vinegar flavors, but have had no luck, so I'll also happily accept recipe for them as well.

And one more plea. Do you guys know those soft sugar cookie that grocery stores sell? They look like this:

Those are the best cookies in the history of cookies. They are always labeled "sugar cookies" but they are not simply sugar cookies. I thought maybe using a cake batter would be the key to their secret, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Anyone have suggestions for at home production of them? Also, I need help with their icing. It's more firm than a regular icing and oh so delicious.

Also, I think this post might win me blogger of the year. I disappear for two, almost three weeks and when I return I demand recipes. Did you want actual content? My bad! I figured my call for recipes was more interesting than hearing about Tru's high chair that is currently residing in my shower or the fact that Philadelphia Chickens is playing in a constant loop through my head. Holy crap, I've become a cliche. Quick, someone bring me a crust twist!

the view from here could be worse

Greetings from the other side of 30! Things here are, um, older? Actually, having only been in the land of 30 year olds for ten days now I can say life here isn't as scary as I was expecting, although a few things do suck.

Sucky Thing Number 1: Truman's reaction when I told him how old I am now

He used to be my favorite child, but has now lost that title to Lily. She will never judge me for getting older.

Sucky Thing Number 2: Mustache

I swear the day before my birthday my upper lip decided "What the hell, let's grow a mustache!" I'm no stranger to facial waxing as I can't handle plucking my own eyebrows so I have them beaten into submission via wax frequently. And I've even given in to waxing that upper lip area in the past, but I've never felt like it was necessary. Before it was a preventative attack but now it needs to be done. I wonder if it feels like jparks is just kissing himself lately.

I'm sure there are other sucky things that I'm too tired to remember them right now. (perhaps I'm not too tired, it's just my memory going since I'm old. That can be Sucky Thing Number 3!) So onto the good things about being 30! Wheee!

We went to dinner at LB Steak, just the two of us, and I got a very tasty adult beverage:

It's okay to admit that you're a bit disappointed that my tasty beverage is covering my mustache. That wasn't done on purpose and is just a happy mistake

Besides a spiced pear lemon drop I also had a filet mignon and some truffled mac and cheese. Oh! And pork belly with a fried egg! It was a meal full of win.

After dinner jparks and I walked over to Nordstrom where I got these beauties:

Apparently once you're 30 you're finally responsible enough to own a pair of very expensive shoes. Or maybe you need very expensive shoes to distract from your mustache. Either way, I have very expensive shoes that make me feel very good. I know you're thinking those are pretty tame as far as shoes go, and I would have loved something more along these lines, but really, a black pump? I'll wear the hell out of that.

All things considered 30 isn't too bad. I mean, sure as Mary-Lynn pointed out lusting after Chuck Bass is now probably extra creepy and I bet that same thing applies to Puck from Glee, but hey I have nice shoes! And jparks still loves me despite the mustache. Now if I could just convince Truman that me being 30 isn't the end of the world and that if he wants to make fun of someone for being old, perhaps his father is better suited for being the butt of those jokes. After all, he's older then me and bald, that's comedy gold right there.

vacation overload

Do you know there is such a thing as too long of a vacation? We've been away from home since December 18th and dear god I am so ready to get back to my own bed. Also, the kid has refused to sleep in a crib or pack and play through this whole trip and has been sleeping right between jparks and I, which might work for other couples, but sucks for us. Truman is getting the boot as soon as we get home. In fact, he's lucky jparks and I aren't hiring a nanny to stay with him that first night so we can go shack up in a hotel. Not that we would have the energy to do anything to make paying for a hotel worthwhile, unless you count me passing out as soon as we walked into the room as jparks serenades me with a chorus of "blowjob? blowjob? blowjob?" all night long worthwhile.

The first part of this trip was spent in New Orleans where we got to see lots of family and friends. We are still on the second part of the trip in Austin where our friends have been really trying to sell me on the idea of buying a house. The biggest selling point is that for what we paid for our tiny townhouse in CA, we could have a huge house with a yard (A YARD!) here. I've got to admit, it is very tempting. Also, jparks dreams of living behind his friend Jeff so they can live out some King Of The Hill fantasy where they stand in an alley and drink beer and say "Yup." So I don't know, we'll have to see what happens.

In unrelated news, my Christmas gift to myself from jparks was a Canon G11, which is rocking my world like you would not believe. Another gift was a photography session in New Orleans and so far I've only seen three of the pictures, but I'm so excited about them. I love how good my hair and skin can look under the careful hand of someone that knows photoshop.

We also did a session of Truman only pictures with jparks' mom and thanks to those pictures I've learned that my child is beyond albino. Come summer I'm not even sure SPF 100 will be enough to protect him.


The only other thing going on lately is that my birthday is quickly approaching and this year it's a big one, 30. I waver back and forth between being okay with 30 and having mild freak outs over it. Of course, it helps to remember that I might be turning 30, but that means my mom is 55 and that's way worse. I'm currently on the hunt for the perfect gift to celebrate this birthday milestone, but have been coming up empty handed. I'm open to suggestions if you know of an awesome gift that says "Hey, you're 30 and it doesn't suck as much as everyone says!" Maybe a snuggie?

happy holidays

Happy holidays everyone! It's been quite the year and I'm so glad you've all stuck around during my whining through my pregnancy and my lack of posting while I navigate motherhood.

Here's hoping 2010 is just as amazing as 2009 was. Cheers!

updates a'plenty

Guys, I am sick. Like for real sick, not just "I'm so tired I feel sick" sick. I even went to the doctor and got medicine. Liquid medicine that I'm actually taking, which is huge for me. Normally if a doctor prescribes liquid medicine I skip taking it because oh god, barf barf barf. I honestly would rather cough until I puke than take cough syrup, which is kind of dumb since either way puking is the outcome. I am smart like that.

Anyway, since I'm sick how about a random update for a post.

I never mentioned it but Truman's tests for his UTI all came back normal. The doctor has no answers for why he got the UTI, but at least he doesn't need surgery. Yay for that

I ended up wearing the sequined dress with some killer shoes to jparks holiday party. I was even brave enough to not wear tights and go bare legged. Scandalous!

You guys are fabulous and supportive and many more words that I can't think of right now. Knowing I'm not the only one out there that needs help has really done wonders for my mental state. Thank you so much.

And now I'm off to pass out. Oh codeine, you are so helpful.

I might be the only person that was happy for Monday

Well, this was a fun weekend here at Parks Place. Assuming the new definition of fun is "exceptionally bad or displeasing." Or "having undesirable or negative qualities" would work as fun's new definition as well. Either way this weekend was sucky. And crappy. And did I mention not fun at all?

Thursday night Tru started with a fever, which we managed through the night with tylenol and cool rags. Friday I took him to the pediatrician expecting to be told we were all clear and it was just a fluke spike in his temperature. Expect it turns out it wasn't just a fluke and the kid had swine flu H1N1. And because the flu wasn't enough, the pediatrician called a few hours later to tell me that Tru's urine sample came back positive for a urinary tract infection. I do want to give Tru props for being a trooper, as sick as he was, he was still smiling and generally in a good mood.

We're past the worst of the flu and now are left to deal with the UTI. Apparently UTIs are not very common in baby boys so when he's done with his antibiotics, Tru gets an ultrasound. Depending on the results of that we'll move on to a voiding cystourethrogram which involves a catheter and dye inserted into his bladder. I'm trying not to worry too much about this because what good will it do? We can't get the ultrasound for at least a week, and I refuse to obsess about it until then. I will not be referring to Dr. Google because that just leads to sleepless nights spent staring at the ceiling while I chew my bottom lip off.

While I was at the pediatrician and the bad news was washing over me, I kept reminding myself that at least Saturday would be a good day because it was New! Car! Day! A couple of weeks ago jparks and I decided to get an Audi Q5 and Saturday was the day it would be ready for pick up at the dealership. I spent a lot of time while we were considering a new car walking around dealerships, talking to salesguys, researching on edmunds.com, and test driving various models and the Q5 came out on top time and time again. For a bigger car it's sexy, it handles beautifully, and it comes with enough gadgets inside to make jparks happy. I felt like if I were going to be buying a Mom car, the Q5 was a pretty damn cool Mom car.

Saturday morning came and I called the dealership to make sure the car was ready for pickup when the salesguy dropped this bomb on me "My sales manager says I can't sell you the Q5 at the price we talked about." Basically he claims that the Q5 is in such demand that they can sell it at sticker and we had agreed on a price that was not sticker. We hadn't filled out any paperwork yet because they wanted us to take care of all of that once the car arrived and while I probably could have gone to the dealership and made a scene, I just wasn't feeling it. The disappointment of not getting the car I wanted and expected should have lit a fire under me, but instead I was feeling rather worn down and just told the dealer "Thanks, but no thanks."

It's safe to say that my plan to eat better did not work out so well this weekend. When life gets tough, pie and cookies are very comforting. I guess my new plan is that if I can't have a new car, I should eat until my ass is as big as one. Good plan!

improvements a'plenty

For the past few Novembers I've participated in National Blog Posting Month, and for a couple of days at the end of October I was stupid enough to think I would be able to participate again this year. And then the second day came and I stared at my laptop screen for a few minutes and promptly passed out. I never realized before just how hard it is to string together words into a post when you've had all the creative energy sucked out of you by an infant that enjoys made-up-as-you-go songs. Excuses, excuses.

Since I failed at NaBloPoMo before I even really got started, I've decided to take up another task, Slynnro's NoImYoSeMo. Instead of making a blog post a day I'll make a list of things I want to improve in my life, which oh my god there are so many, and then try my best to get the list done by the end of the month. Sounds easy enough, let's go!

Drink more water. I'm breastfeeding and I work out like crazy, yet I barely drink any water. Diet coke, yes. Coffee, yes. Water, not so much. I have a feeling that my life would be better with more water in it.

Clean out my bathroom drawer. The other day I was digging in there for a ponytail holder and found quite a few lip glosses I thought were lost, some expired medicines, and an unmarked airplane safe bottle of something, but no pony tail holders. That drawer is a pit and I need to do something about it.

Run. And then run some more. Meaning run longer, run faster, run more frequently. Run.

Put away the pile of clothes that has resided on my bedroom floor for weeks now. Make sure the pile doesn't come back.

One fourth of my closet is tank tops. No person needs that many tank tops. Time to clean them out. No mercy!

Clean out the kitchen equivalent of that bathroom drawer. Do I really need two sets of incomplete measuring cups? Do I even know what appliances half the attachments in there are for? God, I hate that drawer.

Eat better. I pay a lot of money to belong to a gym and have a personal trainer yet I've done nothing to change my diet. Eating like I do means I'm basically wasting the money spent in monthly fees. While I don't need to go on a full-fledged diet, I do need to be more mindful about what I'm eating. Maybe I'll even go crazy and start having breakfast.

Read a book. I've read one book since Truman was born and I guess that's good considering the circumstances, but it bothers me. Time to take back my kindle from jparks and read more.

Sign up for one of the half marathons I've been thinking about. I've had the registration pages open for the Kaiser Half and the Rock and Roll Mardi Gras Marathon open for weeks now, but I haven't been able to bring myself to make the commitment. It's time to man up and register for one or both

None of these are huge changes to my life but each one will help me in some way. And besides, I'm not certain right now is the best time to try and take on a huge change. I feel crappy enough that I failed at NaBloPoMo, I can only imagine how crappy I would feel if I weren't able to make an improvement in my life that I had told everyone about and that I wanted to accomplish. So drinking more water and cleaning drawers it is!

whoa, the boring might overwhelm you

Usually I'm up for celebrating Halloween but someone apparently peed in my Halloween corn flakes this year, because I was really not feeling it. I tried to get into it, I really did, but between the super crowded Google Halloween party and the disappointing Fall Fest I attended, my Halloween spirit died quickly. I did manage to dress Truman up once in his caterpillar costume which made me happy:


ohhhh it's the elusive Regan smile. No one make any sudden movements so we don't scare it away

On Halloween night I thought about hitting a local mall with a friend to see the kids all dressed up for a costume parade, or visiting a neighbor's house because they had set up their porch for a Halloween photo backdrop, or even just going to another friend's house to hang out but in the end I was lazy and stayed home. Since last year we had one kid come to our house I hadn't bought any candy and now that we were going to be home, and I would hate to get egged, a quick trip to the store yielded one bag of Mr. Goodbars, which are one of my favorites. Turns out we got more kids than I was expecting and when I lowered the bowl of Mr. Goodbars down for them to grab some, there were quite a few disappointed sighs. Who knew kids aren't into chocolate and peanut goodness. Sorry kids, I'm happy to share my candy with you but I can't promise our palates will like the same things. You should be glad I didn't hand out dark chocolate covered salted caramels since that's what I really like.

Maybe next year will be better. Tru will be old enough to stand up and act cute in his costume and I'll know not to buy Mr. Goodbars for the trick-or-treaters. Or I'll buy Mr. Goodbars but then get something else that kids actually like. Maybe I'll even go crazy and buy a pumpkin. Whoa, slow down self, you don't want to get too wild.

I have many more gym complaints, but I'll spare you

Can we talk about a few things that have been pissing me lately? Perhaps it's because I've been sleeping less but it seems like way more little things drive me out of my damn mind and I just can't take it anymore. And seriously, it's all little things that should not bother me. What can I say, parenthood has made me a cranky bitch. Now I understand what happened to my mom. (kidding, mom. Please don't cut me out of your will, I really want your jewelry.)

A radio station here has started playing what they call "Vintage Vinyl" but I call "Songs From When I Was In High School And Are Not Vintage By Any Means, Dammit I Am Not Old." When I hear the term "Vintage Vinyl" I expect songs that were actually released on vinyl, not songs that came out in the age of cds, which are not made of vinyl. I guess "Plastic from the Past" doesn't have the same catchy ring to it that "Vintage Vinyl" has. Also, that song from Kids is not vintage music! Neither is Closing Time by Semisonic! Don't make me send you a list of acceptable vintage songs Live 105, because I will. I have no life and have time to care about this sort of crap.

I've recently joined a new gym and many people there wear these abominations:

I honestly can't come up with words that accurately convey the level of disgust I have for those shoes. Those shoes are what happens when crocs and toe socks drink a bottle of vodka and then do something regrettable together. They are unnatural and should be eradicated from the Earth. I should not have to look at them while I work out and my mind will not be changed about this no matter what you say.

And speaking of the gym, are there rules regarding using cardio equipment too close to another gym goer? Today I was on a treadmill and there were at least ten other treadmills open to my left, yet a woman got on the one right next to me. Too close! Personal space! I don't want to be sprayed by your sweat! There need to be rules about this. I think we could apply men's urinal rules to these types of situations and everyone would be happier.

Has anything been pissing you off that you would like to share with the class?

tweed is good

Recently a pregnant friend emailed me a list of name suggestions because Truman was included on the list. And while finding his name on a baby name list is nothing special, finding it on a list of yupster baby names is. After reading the description of a yupster, a blend of yuppies and hipsters, I had to laugh because despite what I think I am, a yupster pretty much sums up jparks and I.

And since I want Truman to feel like he belongs in this family, I did this to him:

Future Accountant, originally uploaded by whitneybee.

Don't lie, right now you're dying from the cuteness.

Things that prove my brain is broken

I was searching for a part for my coffeepot yesterday morning and couldn't find it. After a minute I realized the part was in my hand

Searched for a netflix movie longer than was necessary because I swore I saw it on the coffee table. Couldn't locate it. Found it in that day's mail as it had just arrived. Who knows what I saw on the coffee table. Possibly a ghost movie. Someone call TAPS

Returned a netflix movie without the inner sleeve. Which I had in my hand while I packed up the disc. Let's hope they can sort out that I'm returning disc 3 of Mad Men Season 2 and not some other customer.

Twice packed up bottles so I wouldn't have to suffer through breastfeeding in public and twice, TWICE, forgot the bottle on the kitchen counter. And of course each time the damn kid got hungry and forced me to feed him. Call me a prude, but I hate breastfeeding in public.

Worked on another blog post for the past three days whenever I could steal a minute of time for the computer and then, on the fourth day, totally forgot the point of the post and decided to delete it. I should have just ended it by rambling on aimlessly but I didn't. You are so welcome.

Totally forgot that the dining group I am part of was supposed to meet tonight. At least everyone else in the group forgot as well. I have a valid excuse for forgetting, what's your excuse slackers?!? Too busy with your jobs and child free lives? (kidding, totally kidding. Please don't kick me out of the group. I like food.)

Bought 8 six packs of beer, 2 bottles of red wine, 2 bottles of white, 2 bottle of sparkling rose, and 4 22oz bottle of beer because I haven't had alcohol in a really long time. Well, since weekend before last. But prior to that it was forever ago. Man, I forgot how much I like beer. And wine. And sparkling beverages. mmmm, booze.

obsessed

Yesterday I went to have my eyebrows waxed for the first time since February. Don't judge me, while pregnant I knew would be suffering the pain of labor shortly so I decided to skip the joy of ripping hairs out of my face. This led to some very overgrown eyebrows, but whatever. It's not like keeping them shaped and groomed would have made me attractive, my huge stomach pushed me so far from that point that no amount of waxing could bring attractiveness back to my pregnancy body. Anyway, today I went and got my brows waxed, but before leaving the house I did something awful. I was hungry so I ate a tuna sandwich. Then I got in my car and drove to the waxer without even giving one thought to how awful my breath had to be and how close the waxer gets to your face during the appointment. Once there I realized what I had eaten and desperately searched for some gum or mints but I found nothing. I'm sure the waxer thought I was a total bitch when I only gave her one word responses to her questions, but really, it was for her own good.

Jparks went back to work on Monday leaving Truman and I to start our stay at home lifestyle. Things like the waxer situation where I act first and then think have been popping up all over the place because I am so disheveled. It seems the only thing I have a firm grasp on, and there's no chance in hell I'm letting go, is my wardrobe. I'm so terrified that I'll lose part of my personal identity to motherhood that I've become more obsessed with what I'm wearing than ever before. Basically I don't want to start down the slippery slope that ends with this:


Today I go to my OB and hopefully I'm all recovered from childbirth and am given approval to start working out again. I think part of the reason that I've developed my new clothing obsession is because while yes I have lost all my pregnancy weight, my body just isn't the same. My arms have gone flabby from not doing weights and my stomach is more pouchy than ever before. Also, my ass is huge, but that's always been the case. I don't even want to think about the leg muscles I've lost from not running in 10 months. During my pregnancy I hated that I had become such a stationary blob, and while I knew exercise some would be fine, I was just too sick to want to do anything more strenuous than walking from the bed to the couch. Now I feel like I have the chance to take control of my body again and I'm doing that by signing up for more fitness things than any person with a six week old should. I've found a 5K that I plan on running in November and a half marathon in February. I'm going today to tour the fancy new JCC because it appears to be the nicest gym in the area. And finally, I plan on getting information about a personal trainer because if you're going to go full force towards crazy exercise women, then you really need all the proper accessories.

I'm sure that shortly I'll burn myself out on being obsessed with clothes and working out, but until I reach that point Viva la Obsession! Time to wear my new favorite red heels and dig out my running shoes!

help wanted

Sunday night I placed an ad on craigslist under the domestic gigs category. Basically I had spent the day staring at my massive pile of clean laundry and just couldn't take it anymore, so I posted explaining that I was looking for someone to help me fold, iron, and put away laundry once a week, and if time permits, take care of some other light housework. I offered to pay hourly, but since I have no idea what this kind of light housework should pay, I asked people to name their own pay rates.

Before we go any farther, let me give you two pieces of advice:

1. If you ever want blog fodder, post an ad on craigslist, because the responses! Holy hell, the responses are awesome.
2. When you post an ad on craigslist, don't use your main email address. Even though I had them make my email anonymous, my inbox has been flooded with responses. Seriously, we're talking over 150 so far.

At this point I'm not certain I'll end up hiring anyone because really, can't I handle doing my own laundry? (ha, I couldn't do my own laundry before life with a baby) But I am certain I need to share some of the responses with you:

"I'm a proud American, born on American soil." Wow, is someone a little xenophobic? I wonder what part of my ad made them think I'm looking specifically for an American. And not just some pansy-ass-not-proud American, but a Proud! American! who was born on American! Soil! America, Fuck Yeah! How awesome would it be if this person found out they were born in Canada because their parents were on vacation and their mom went into labor while there? What would they put on their cover letters if that were the case? How could they live with themselves?

"I like to foil clothes. I like clothes to be foiled like in stores." Thanks, but I've got all my foil hat needs met at this time.

"I would like to work for you. I like to do laundry. I don't iron." Ironing is the majority of what I need done. In fact, it says it right there in the ad. Perhaps next you could apply to be an astronaut. "I would like to travel. I like spaceships. I don't want to leave the Earth"

"I have experience with basic housekeeping. I can help you for $50 an hour." So wait, let me make sure I understand this, you want $50 an hour to do my laundry? Is this code for a prostitute? Have I stumbled on to some kind of secret craigslist sex ring? "Hey baby I love doing laundry, can I fluff your towel with my mouth?" And if we're not talking about $50 an hour for sex, is this person crazy? I want to email her back and say that if I could afford to pay her that much wouldn't I already have a full staff to attend to my every need?

Out of over 100 responses, three look promising because they are college students who could potentially become baby sitters. The rest of the applicants are either too crazy to allow into my house or too expensive for anything other than sex. Who knew good help was so hard to find.