This post's alternate title is: I'm going to hell! Wheee!
Alternate Alternate title: Exclamation Points a'plenty!
6:50 I’m trying to catch the 6:56 train out of SF, but there is a very large hippie bike ride that is making it impossible to cross 3rd street and actually get to the CalTrain station on time. Now look, I’ve got nothing against hippies or bike riders but when someone asks you what the ride is in support or protest of, have a better answer than “It’s for LIFE, man. LIIIIIFE.” I turn to the guy standing next to me as I watch the conductor start to close the doors to the train boarding platform from across the bike filled street and say “If I don’t make that train, hippie blood will be flow through the streets like a river.” And I mean it.
6:55 Start to cross the street despite hippies yelling at me that I’m messing with their vibe. “That’s not cool, we’re riding here!” Yeah, you’ve been riding here for the past 10 minutes and there isn’t another train for 40 minutes. Screw you and your vibe I’m crossing the damn street. I almost get run over.
6:56 Had to jump in the train’s doors as they were closing. Yell at one of the CalTrain employees further down on the platform “It’s not my fault! There were stupid bikers!” He yells back “I know!”
6:57 Set my purse on the seat next to me so no one can sit there as human interaction seems like a really bad idea right now.
7:00 Older Dude comes into car. Looks at the seat next to me and lingers long enough to make it obvious he wants the seat. Screw you Older Dude! There are a ton other seats, take one of them. He decides to take one across the aisle, yet facing me (stupid bullet trains). It is an ugly situation as now we are forced to look at each other. I give him my angry eyes.
7:05 Older Dude pulls out an assemble it yourself salad from Trader Joe’s. I get to watch as he uses his hands to scoop corn and black beans from their little plastic tray into the lettuce. Vomit into my mouth. He continues to assemble the salad still using his hands to mix it. His! Hands! Which have touched all the disgusting public CalTrain areas. Vomit more into my mouth.
7:08 Older Dude just pulled out a block of cheese. When was the last time you were leaving your house and wanted a snack so you just grabbed a whole block of cheese to nibble on while riding public transit? Yeah never, that’s what I thought.
7:15 He has been gnawing on the block o’cheese for a while now. I wonder if he remembers that he has that tasty Mexi-Germ salad.
7:20 He has remembered the salad! And is scooping the dressing from the little plastic container using his fingers. Don’t you dare put that finger in your mouth Older Dude! Oh fuck, you did.
7:22 Lid goes on the salad and he shakes it. Apparently, once dressing has been added to the mix, you can’t use your hands as salad tongs. Is it wrong that I am wishing the lid flies off and he gets covered in salad? I bet if it happened he would pick it off himself and eat it.
7:25 Great Older Dude just broke out a huge pocket knife. Leatherman big, not Swiss Army big. He’s cutting the cheese (heh, I am 12) and using the on board table as his cutting board. The on board table that I’ve seen homeless men snooze on. And woman change diapers on. I don’t think I have any vomit left in me so I dry heave into my mouth.
7:30 Older Dude chews really loudly and I might use his big knife against him if he doesn’t stop. The smacking! This is public transit Older Dude! Think of all your fellow passengers! Stop being so gross. I am a woman on the verge of a breakdown and you don’t want to be on the receiving end of it.
7:42 He has finished the salad. I don't have to throw him off the train.
7:43 Really? You have room for more cheese? But most of the block is gone! Save some for your midnight snack Older Dude! You keep eating that cheese and you're going to be all blocked up.
7:44 My stop is next!
7:46 Have made it! Goodbye Older Dude! You are disgusting! I bet you get some weird internal worm that eats its way from your stomach to your brain. That's going to suck for you.
See, there's a simple solution to all the massive-human-wave-take-back-the-streets-jam-the-traffic-groovy-bike problem:
ReplyDeleteGatling gun.
I assure you I am serious. Hose down a couple of intersections and you ain't gonna have this problem no more. If you're doing it right, you can swing by Berkeley and handle the protesters AND fell the trees at issue simultaneously. Don't laugh, my former boss used to cut down trees with an M249 SAW all the time playing Black Hawk Down.
Yeah. After that commute home I would stop by and ask the doctor for a Z-pack. Just in case. Some of that S is airborne, you know.
LOL.
ReplyDeleteit's good to see you're just as snarky as you were in junior high/high school.
Oh and can I say I never even heard the word "snarky" before I began blogging so I'm not sure exactly what it means but I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of bitchy/sarcastic/hilarious.
Adam thinks you need to write a book (this just seconds my earlier comment on same subject).
ReplyDeleteLaughing so hard Adam came into the office to see what I was laughing about!
ReplyDeleteNow that's a pretty good idea Jon has there. At least, it sounds pretty damn fun!
ReplyDeleteI can so sympathize with your pain. I can't even count how many times I've wanted to shove someone's stinky McDonalds or Chinese food in their face on the subway. Don't they realize we don't have the benefit of fresh air down there? *sigh*
Kudos to you for having the patience not to flip Old Dude's salad in his lap!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAND I made the right decision with the pricey cabs to and from SFO.
ReplyDeleteAnd right here is the reason why you're not allowed to eat on Chicago's public transportation.
ReplyDeletefuh-ney!
ReplyDeleteloud chewing get nothing but the stink-eye from me. yuck!
ReplyDelete