pen meets paper and you meet my handwriting

I shouldn't have to explain this stuff

I've been spending a lot of time at the gym lately and am often freaked out by my fellow gym goers. I don't know if it's just this particular gym or if all gyms worldwide are overflowing with freaks but I'm sick of it and would like to offer the world my Official Rules For Gym And Locker Room Usage: stop being so damn weird and I won't have to punch you (tm)

Cutting your toenails in the locker room and leaving your trimmings on the floor is wrong. Going to find a custodian and telling them that someone else did it and asking that they clean it up is now illegal. Act like a reasonable human and clip your toe nails at home.

The lotion that is provided in the locker room is now off limits unless you sign a waiver saying you will not apply it while standing around stark naked.

Actually, let's just say that no one can just hang out in the locker room naked anymore. Everyone's allowed to be naked long enough to change clothes, but no one is allowed to blow dry their hair naked anymore. No more putting on makeup while naked. I assure you I'm not being unreasonable as the average age in the locker room is 65.

The benches in the locker room? No more sitting on them when you don't have on underwear.

When you're working out please no short shorts if you're any of the following: male, over 25 years, over 110 pounds.

If there are three treadmills and someone is on treadmill A, you may not get on treadmill B, you must get on treadmill C. This applies to all cardio equipment if there are more than two pieces of it.

Guys, if your penis is getting overly excited while you're doing crunches or bench pressing you must leave the gym. Grab a workout towel, hold it over the offending area casually, and leave. Trust me, way more people notice if you continue with your workout than if you leave.

If you look at me and think "I want to be her friend!" don't try to spark that friendship if I'm in the middle of my workout or changing in the locker room. These are not the times to make me your friend, they are, however, the times to make me your enemy.

If you're going to floss in the locker room, do it by the sinks, not by the lockers. I will knock your teeth out if I have to imagine your plaque being flung all over the lockers one more time.

If your gym bag, clothes, shoes, and toiletries are spread over a bench, a locker, the floor, and a counter then you have too much stuff. You're not the only person that needs to use the locker room, so make some space.

The dirty towels go in the bin labeled "towels" so stop leaving them on the floor for the custodians to pick up.

If you're a male trainer and happen to have a nice upper body, your uniform will now not include a shirt.

This list is not a final list by any means and as I see more offending behavior the rules will grow. These rules should be adopted by all gyms because who knows when I might visit another gym while on vacation.

Seriously, what is wrong with people?

risking life and limb for bad weather protection

Friday night jparks and I went out for a date night. We had dinner at Xanh where I got a little tipsy and declared that I don't like people (but not you, you I like) then we saw Percy Jackson, which was awful and we spent the duration of the movie pining for New Orleans where you can order a daiquiri to help ease the pain of dumb movies, but none of that has anything to do with the rest of this story.

When we left the house it was raining so I decided to wear my new skinny jeans that I bought for the sole purpose of tucking into my lovely wellies. In the past I've discussed my disgustingly thick calves which do not fit into regular boots, and I hate to admit it but they have not changed. So when wellies are super cute and loose on other girls, they are snug and not as cute on me, yet I wear them anyway because no one likes wet feet.

So I was wearing my cute wellies all night and they were snug, especially since I crammed not only my calves and jeans into them but also a pair of violet welly socks. They weren't uncomfortable though, so I didn't think anything of it. Can anyone guess where this is going?

When we got home I tried to pull the left boot off and that's when things started to go downhill fast. The boot was completely stuck and the more I tugged on it, the more it became clear that it had no intention of budging. After a few pathetic moments of tugging on my own leg, I called in jparks to get the job done. It turns out the welliess were so stuck that jparks managed to pull me off the chair I was holding onto with a death grip when he yanked on them.

I thought the worst part would be just getting the wellies off my legs, but holy crap I was wrong. Once they were removed I realized my calves were on fire. And turning purple. It was not a good scene. I ended up not being able to sleep in pajama pants that night because having them rub around my legs was unbearable. And the only thing that made the sheets bearable was the ice packs I wrapped around my legs. Ice packs! The absurdity of the situation was not lost on me. I was crippled by my wellies! My feet stayed dry but I almost lost my legs below the knee. I probably gave myself deep vein thrombosis. It would be fitting if I died at the hands of my shoes.

It's still really rainy here but I haven't had the balls to wear the wellies again. Perhaps I can risk it if I skip the fleece socks. But damn they're cute. And isn't cuteness worth risking limb loss for?

crust twisting!

I would like someone to invent and send me a recipe for what I'm calling crust twists. Crust twists are the best part of a pie, the crust, twisted into sticks that can then be dipped into a fruit or cream sauce. Actually the dipping sauce is completely optional and only included so that people like jparks won't whine that the crust twists are too boring on their own. Crust twists should not be coated in cinnamon sugar because then we're talking churros, which are a totally different beast. Crust twists should remain as true to a regular pie crust recipe as possible, but should maybe be sturdier so they don't crumble when you pick them up. Also, maybe less flaky? Although I'm not sure about that though since flaky equals tasty.

Can you tell I've spend a ridiculous amount of time thinking about crust twists lately? I wish I were kidding about my love for these things that do not exist (that I know of) but honestly, I love them. When I've had a rough day I spend a minute thinking about enjoying a crust twist with a nice cup of tea. Ohh, could we somehow infuse crust twists? Maybe an earl grey one? People I am just overflowing with good ideas tonight!

While we're talking about food and recipes, let me share the joy that are wasabi and soy sauce almonds. The lovely Metalia twittered about them a few weeks ago and as soon as I saw them in a store, I grabbed a tin. Holy crap, I'm addicted. The issue is that the small cans, that I can easily empty in an afternoon, are expensive. Which leads me back to my issue with crust twists: can someone create a recipe for wasabi and soy sauce coated almonds and send it to me? I've been scouring stores trying to locate either the lime and chili or the salt and vinegar flavors, but have had no luck, so I'll also happily accept recipe for them as well.

And one more plea. Do you guys know those soft sugar cookie that grocery stores sell? They look like this:

Those are the best cookies in the history of cookies. They are always labeled "sugar cookies" but they are not simply sugar cookies. I thought maybe using a cake batter would be the key to their secret, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong. Anyone have suggestions for at home production of them? Also, I need help with their icing. It's more firm than a regular icing and oh so delicious.

Also, I think this post might win me blogger of the year. I disappear for two, almost three weeks and when I return I demand recipes. Did you want actual content? My bad! I figured my call for recipes was more interesting than hearing about Tru's high chair that is currently residing in my shower or the fact that Philadelphia Chickens is playing in a constant loop through my head. Holy crap, I've become a cliche. Quick, someone bring me a crust twist!

I want to be in that number

You know, I'm not even going to lie, I cried when the play timer ended and read final. When there were 45 seconds left and the team chose to run the clock out I didn't cry because who knows, New Orleans has awful luck and I've learned you don't count your chickens before they hatch. But when it flashed final? Tears. Big tears.

I know even before the game had started a lot of people were tired of hearing about the Saints and how important of a game this was for New Orleans. The problem was that unless you're from New Orleans, or have some very strong ties to the city, you really can't understand why it mattered this much. I know it's just a game but to New Orleans it was a way of reminding everyone that we are more than just a destroyed city. We cannot be written off as losers anymore. We are Super Bowl Champions.

Today police estimated somewhere between 8,000 to 10,000 people were at the airport to greet the Saints as they landed. Tomorrow schools are closing so families can attend the Saints' parade. 11 people met the Colts at their airport and I've heard nothing about a parade in their honor. Our parade was rolling win or lose because just playing in the Super Bowl was more than enough for us. You might think your town loves its team, but people in New Orleans love their Saints more. They are more than just football to us, they are so ingrained in the city that we wouldn't be us without them.

Bless you boys!

Saints Superbowl Victory Celebration from Cottage Films on Vimeo.