it all comes out in the wash

Remember how two weeks ago I left my wallet at home? And it sucked and I was pissed and had to live off of Chex Mix for lunch? Well, can we go back to that time? Because, as of this morning, my wallet is gone. Gone, baby, gone.

The jury is still out over whether it was stolen or not, but I can promise you that we searched high and low in the house for it, at the ass crack of dawn, and found nothing. Wait, that's a lie because we did find something. we found that a good time can be had looking for a wallet, at the ass crack of dawn (have I mentioned that?). What is especially fun is watching your wild animal of a husband literally rip the rooms apart, including moving furniture and dumping pile of clothes out of the hampers and leaving them strewn across the bedroom floor. At one point he called to me "Hey, come hold this mattress up!" and "Let's move this couch. Again." Dude, if it wasn't behind the couch the first time then it's still not there. Uh, I mean, I love you honey. Thanks for helping me look.

After deciding that the wallet was not turning up, I got to cancel all of my credit cards, which was so much fun my body almost exploded. Boy, do I ever love credit card companies! They are so understanding and helpful when I asked for a replacement card faster than 7 to 10 business days. Their response of "I'm sorry but 7 to 10 business days is the fastest we can ship one out to you" was such a comforting lie that I feel great about not having access to any money for a week. I mean, who needs to have the option of buying lunch and putting gas in their car? NOT ME!

UPDATE

So that first part was written while I was at work. Now I'm home and I can't even believe what I'm about to write.

Jparks found my wallet. In the dishwasher.

Yeah. The motherfucking dishwasher.

I guess it fell in when I was loading the dishes and, not realizing that, I turned the machine on. I now have a wallet full of really clean, yet totally useless credit cards.

I don't even know how to follow up this grand act of stupidity. Do I wash other very important things? Like maybe my cell phone. Or marriage license. Or do I just let jparks make fun of me from here to forever?

Sheesh, even I amaze myself with how dumb I can be sometimes.

chores

Today, while vacuuming and doing the laundry I flipped a circuit breaker switch accidentally. This means no more house cleaning ever again. It's obviously too risky a chore because I was out of cable, internet, and power to a couple of rooms for a few minutes. MINUTES folks, that's like forever in no cable years.

Also, the cats are out of food and I'm taking my sweet ass time refilling their bowl. I would move faster but they are so nice and loving when they want something that I'm kind of enjoying them not having food. They follow me around and become very vocal, in a sad pathetic sort of way. Plus they willingly let me pet them. Without biting me. Seriously, hungry cats are the best. I just better not cross the line from hungry, sweet cats to hungry, eat my face off cats. Eh, maybe I'll go fill their bowl now, I like having a face.

my precious

I'm not a particularly girly girl, but I'm not really a tomboy either. I do have a few stereotypical girl traits though: I love shoes, walking around the mall even if I don't need anything, and makeup. The shoes and mall thing make sense to me, but my obsession with makeup is an enigma.

On a daily basis I wear little to no makeup. We all know of my recent discovery of mascara and other than that I maybe wear a little chapstick or, if I'm feeling saucy, some lip gloss. Woohoo, a hint of color! I am a crazy woman.

But if I'm dropped into a Sephora than all hell breaks loose. I go into a trance and when I come to my senses again I've got a bag of makeup in my hands worth enough to feed a family of four for weeks. Maybe even months if one of the salesgirls has approached me offering help.

Last year Sephora offered a Blockbuster Palette that made me feel tingly in my special place but before I could order one, they were out of stock and I was left to mope about, lamenting the fact that I did not have one. damn you Spehora and your poor planning! You and Nintendo should get together and laugh over how you like to not meet the needs of society.

Well, imagine my surprise and excitement when they brought the palette back this year. With new colors! And a higher price tag! (figures. bitches.) I, of course, ordered one and then checked the tracking every day (multiple times each day) to watch my precious make its way across the country to my loving arms. Once it arrived I threw jparks out and the Palette and I had a few moments of alone time. It was all I was expecting and more.

I've had it for a few days now and I'm kinda a bit nuts about it. It arrived on Wednesday and on Thursday and Friday I brought it to work with me. Yeah, really. It sat on my desk and stared at me all day. My bosses asked what it was and when I exclaimed "Makeup!" and then opened it to show them, they just looked at me like I was a lunatic. And maybe I am because I've yet to actually use any of the makeup in it.

Right now it's so pretty and new I can't bring myself to drag a brush through any of it. I want it to stay perfect. I like looking at all of the little colors contained into their spots all perfectly untouched and fresh. I like how the lip glosses have perfectly smooth tops. And how the eye shadows haven't been accidentally touch by a brush with another color on it, contaminating the first color.

I mean, look at this, doesn't it make you a bit randy:










Seriously, I love it. And maybe tomorrow I'll actually use it. Yeah, tomorrow definitely.

I can has turkay?

This year jparks and I are not going home for Thanksgiving. I am fairly buttsore about this, but I knew our trips back to NOLA would have to become less frequent once we bought the house. Stupid house

What I've been debating is even though I can't go home does that mean that I have to skip having a traditional Thanksgiving meal? Can't I have some turkey and pumpkin pie like a normal person? Can't I stuff myself so full I pass out on the couch? Don't I at least deserve that?

So here's what I'm thinking: Undead Easter, but at Thanksgiving and sans zombies. And more potluck-ish. I would happily make turkey and a dessert item and then have everyone bring over one Thanksgiving-y item. Are there any people that aren't going out of town that might be interested in doing this?

Did I mention that we have a larger house now with more options for the sitting? And a bigger tv with surround sound for the watching of the movies? And a large coffee table for the playing of the games? And a cute dog for the petting?

So, who's game for Outcast Thanksgiving?

A+

You know that kid in school that always waited until the night before the 20 page paper was due to start on it and then managed to still get an A+? That was totally me. Every time I got an assignment I swore that this would be the time I would get a head start and have the paper completed before the due date. I would make a timeline and stick to it for a day. Maybe less.

I can tell that NaBloPoMo is going to be the same way. I sat at my desk all day today with my blog's "create new post" page open and couldn't come up with a damn thing to say. I even actually did work to avoid making a post.

Did you want to hear about the impromptu Halloween party a friend of mine threw last night? Probably not. Did you want to hear about how it was great family planning on my part not to be home for the trick or treaters (you know because they are cute and would have made me want to have a kid)? Probably not. Do you care that a newspaper showed up on my porch this morning with "ARE YOU READY?" boldly printed across the top of it referring to earthquake preparedness? (The weird part? We don't get the newspaper. It's a sign!) Probably not. I had nothing.

And I still have nothing but here you have it, my kick off for NaBloPoMo. My last minute submission. I so rock at staying on top of deadlines!

This month is going to be painful.