top heavy

Today I went in for a fitting for some new bras and ugh. No really, UGH.

Since long ago I've worn a pretty standard Ipex bra from Victoria's Secret. Sometimes I'll go cheap when replacing one and buy the Target version but generally my underthings drawer is packed with Ipexes. I generally have no complaints about them, they're hefty enough to keep me from poking eyes out with my nipples when it's cold, but not so thick that I feel like I'm wrapped in padding. My only real complaint is that sometimes they dig into my tender back fat but I always suspected that was more user error than bra error. User error meaning that I haven't been properly fitted for a bra in forever and just sort of eye ball my size as I shop so how can I honestly expect my bra to fit correctly.

I've recently decided that I need a strapless bra and if there is one kind of bra you don't want to blindly guess a size for, it's that kind. Too big and you could end up flashing everyone around you. Too small and you're a cleavage-y muffin top crammed into a strapless dress. Neither of these are overly appealing so I headed in for a fitting.

The fitting itself was actually way less traumatizing than I had envisioned. They do all measuring while you're dressed so no one was subjected to my pasty love handles at close range. The fitting was completed and before telling me my new size the sales girl darted off to bring me a sampling of bras. Now while the Ipex isn't the sexiest bra on the market, it's also not so matronly that even nuns would find it a bit uptight. The same can not be said for the ones that were brought to my fitting room.

The bras that were presented to me were not attractive. Why? Because I went from a 36C to a 34E. E as in egads, those are huge! E as in Eeek, I could also use this bra cup as a boat in the event of a flood! It is safe to say I'm not okay with this.

Look, here's one of the new bras I bought today with my fist in one of the cups to show you scale!


I tried to think of other things to put in the cup to show you scale and while the dog would fit, she wouldn't sit still for me to take a picture. But let that sink in for a second, my dog could fit in one cup of my bra. I walk around with the equivalent of two chihuahuas strapped to my chest.

The poor salesgirl just didn't really know what to think of me. She kept raving about how great these bras fit me while I kept asking if they had anything at all in my size that didn't come up to my chin. Sadly the answer was no. The good news is that now I can forgo shirts as my bras cover just as much of my torso as they do! And none of my pesky back fat gathers into a shelf around the back strap. Yay!

The other thing I learned today is that for the past 20 years I have been putting on my bras incorrectly. Did you know that once your bra is on you're supposed to either reach in and pull your breast upwards into the cup or lean forward and shake your breasts at the ground while wiggling the bra? I did not! Let's add this to the list of things my mom failed to teach me. I believe there is an open spot right after "how to properly apply eye liner."