I am dumb dumb dumb

Oh lord, it has been a day.

At one point my living room looked like this:


Then I got a wild hair up my ass and made this happen:


I do not recommend renovations to your home when you're 33 weeks pregnant.

To decompress after some bad news about the master bathroom that sent me into a blind rage I watered my lawn:


I never thought I would be a person that enjoys using a decorative sprinkler to water the lawn but enjoy it I did! Now if my grass could just stop dying a slow death I would be really happy.

thanks to all the pumping, I have the arm strength of a lonely 15 year old boy

I will pay someone $100 to come over here and blow up a kiddie pool for me. No really, come on over, bring your lungs, and blow your heart out. I can't promise that you won't pass out from exhaustion but I can promise that if you do, I'll be sure to put a cool rag on your head until you wake up. I don't have smelling salts, but I do have fancy sea salt that I can wave under your nose while you're unconscious.

The stupid blow up pool now sadly lives on my back patio because a few weeks ago I realized that sitting outside while Tru plays causes me to become very hot. Like so hot that I use the hose like a gun and repeatedly shoot myself in the head.

And while hose gun does help keep me coolish, I thought I could do better. I'm not normally a pool type person so I didn't want anything huge or even close to semi-permanent, so I decided to go the blow up kiddie pool route. I figured we had an air pump so how hard could it be to inflate a kiddie pool?

hahahahahaha. I am so fucking stupid.

Here's the pool I bought:

I pictured lying in it, using the slide as a pillow with the little water spout sprinkling cool water on my swollen, disgusting ankles. Ah, relaxing.

Well, here we are after a week of kiddie pool ownership and this is what we have:

Turns out that damn pool has one of those bite valve things that you have to clamp down on while you blow* to get it to inflate. And the hand pump is pretty hard to use with one of those bite valve things. So every time I take Tru out back to play, I sit on the patio and pump pump pump. And then I pump pump pump some damn more. This has gone on for days and that's what the pool still looks like. By the time I get it fully inflated the summer will be over and I will have birthed this damn baby and no longer need a kiddie pool to stay cool.

So what do you say, care to come over with your lungs and blow up my pool? When you're done I might even give you a turn in it. Maybe. At the very least I'll let you use my hose gun on your head for a minute.

*come on, this is just dirty.

Trying not to burn my bridge yet

It seems the pregnancy insomnia has hit me hard and I'm so damn tired. Also it appears that no matter how little I drink before bed or how late I stay up, I wake up at 5:56am to pee. So yes, my nights have become a wonderful mixture of staying up until ungodly late hours, then getting up to pee a short time later and having to fight my way back to sleep. Basically I am a real peach during the day.

Speaking of being a peach during my waking hours, did you know we've lived in our house for two and a half months and we still have no mirrors in our bathrooms and no covers on our windows. This adds to the real peachyness I have going on. I just want a mirror! Do you know how challenging life without a mirror over your sink is? I can only imagine what my hair looks like. Thank god I have wonderful friends that don't comment on what is surely a rat's nest when they see me.

To combat the crankiness I've been self medicating with this:

Which you can imagine has done wonders for my weight. Is it bad to be 32 weeks pregnant and dreaming of the diet you are going to start once you squeeze out the kid? Because I am. Weighing pieces of food! I can't wait! And tracking calories! Why does this sound so exciting?

(also, you guys go to Target and get a box of that Reese's mix right now. It's so good and no bake! Please get fat with me!)

hen pecked

On Friday I, like the rest of the world, had a bad day. I'm not sure if Friday the 13ths are actually automatically bad days or if we, as a species, all buy into the idea that Friday the 13ths are out to get us and we manifest bad days just to fulfill that. Anyway, I had a bad day on Friday which I'm certain originated from having to sleep on the couch on Thursday night. Here, I made you an illustration of that:


I slept on the couch because jparks has a whole new slew of allergies and decided to combat them by taking a couple of Bendadryl which besides knocking him out, makes him forget how to share a bed. Seriously, he was at a damn angle when I got in there and no matter how many times I tried to rotate him, he would not budge. This meant that I either had to sleep on the couch or endure a night of getting henpecked by his feet. I love my husband but his toenails are awful talons of skin shredding death. I have heard rave reviews of how comfortable the couch is so I decided to take my chances on it. Bad idea.

I spent all of Friday cranky and tired and just generally ready to kill anyone that so much as looked at me wrong. Saturday wasn't much of an improvement and by that point I figured I should just write off the whole weekend. I mean, how could Sunday possibly turn out to be good when the other two days had been crap? Especially since we had roller derby tickets but no baby sitter.

Well, it turns out that Sunday managed to save the whole weekend. We went for crepes in the afternoon and somehow I avoided eating myself sick on them. This is probably because I skipped the nutella crepe and opted for a lemon juice crepe which was ten times more amazing that I expected. After crepes we walked over to the Austin Convention Center because we figured since we had roller derby tickets we might as well try to go, no babysitter be damned. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Truman wrestles his way out of our arms and ends up on the track causing a multi-girl pile up? Eh, he's done worse.

Turns out we were about an hour early for the roller derby but there just happened to be a car show going on at the Convention Center and double bonus, someone walking by us gave us two free tickets. So into the car show we went and holy hell, that was like the best thing ever in Truman's eyes. He was able to run the length of the convention center and climb through as many cars as he could reach and push all the buttons that his heart desired. Jparks enjoyed himself too and walked away from the show talking about the Porsche sedan he seems to think he's going to be purchasing at some point in time.

After the car show we walked over to the roller derby where we were permitted to enjoy about 30 minutes of derby bouts before Truman declared himself over it. But really that 30 minutes was 29 more than we were expecting to be permitted.

So crepes, cars, and roller derby saved the weekend that was doomed to suck thanks to Friday the 13th. Now if those three things could band together to do something about jparks chicken feet that would make all right in the world.

a smattering of nothing

Today I told jparks "I'm getting sick and yes I want sympathy and no I don't care that I have no sympathy for you when you're sick." I'm a nice wife like that. Basically I'm just setting you up for what I'm calling a blog post but what's really a bunch of random crap spewed onto a computer screen. Enjoy!

I bought a Tassimo this week. I never thought I would be a single serve coffee machine person but after one use I'm in love. I'm fairly certain this little thing will save my ass once New Baby arrives.
Also, now that we have the Tassimo I think we have every way to make coffee ever invented. Regular brew coffeepot? Check. Toddy cold brew system? Check. French press? Check. The lesson in this? We are coffee sluts.

Yesterday I had a bad day that involved Truman screaming and kicking at me while I was unable to do anything to make the situation better because a huge pregnant stomach was getting in my way. It was honestly so bad that I had to call jparks and ask him to come home from work. Once here, he loaded us into the car and we headed to Sonic for treats. A lemon berry creamslush was exactly what I needed to not lose my mind and tater tots for Truman seemed to fix what was ailing him. What can I say, we are apparently a family of emotional eaters. If you make us upset please be prepared to hand over a bowl of ice cream.

Speaking of big pregnant stomachs, it's officially hard to get to my shoes. I don't remember this from last time which is leading me to believe that Truman was more of a small round ball of a stomach while New Baby is all stretched out causing me to expand more upwards as well as out. Listen up New Baby, rule #1 in the Parks family is that no one gets between me and my shoes. Learn it, live it.

By calling this child New Baby I am not trying to play coy and hide her name from you, we just really don't have any names that seem like the one yet. Our goal is to get to the hospital with at least one solid contentor, which will put us ahead of when I checked in to the hospital to deliver Truman. He was Baby Boy Parks for almost 2 days and this time I would like to not drive the birth certificate woman crazy by forcing her to visit my room twelve times. Right now that goal is not looking promising.

I've been trying to spend money since we moved into this house and yet it is proving impossible. The interior designer I hired still hasn't presented me any furniture options and the ergonomist seems to be trying to avoid coming out for a consult on jparks' desk. Someone please take my money and give me goods and services for it. All I want is a damn mirror in my bathroom and maybe a place to hang my towel after I shower. A coffetable would be nice too. Why is this taking so long?

And of course, my luck is that the interior designer will read my site the second after I hit publish and send me an email full of suggestions like this:


Wow, you really don't have to spend much time clicking around on Skymall's site before you find some really hideous things.

One last order of business. It has come to my attention that not everyone has a correct feed to my site. A few months back jparks took down my old site and created a new one without allowing me time to put up a redirect notice. Chances are you aren't reading this through Google Reader since the old feed no longer works. It'll take two seconds to update your feed and just think, some day I might finally get to stop cluttering up your Twitter stream with tweets that say "Hey look, a new post!" What a glorious day that'll be!