thanks to all the pumping, I have the arm strength of a lonely 15 year old boy

I will pay someone $100 to come over here and blow up a kiddie pool for me. No really, come on over, bring your lungs, and blow your heart out. I can't promise that you won't pass out from exhaustion but I can promise that if you do, I'll be sure to put a cool rag on your head until you wake up. I don't have smelling salts, but I do have fancy sea salt that I can wave under your nose while you're unconscious.

The stupid blow up pool now sadly lives on my back patio because a few weeks ago I realized that sitting outside while Tru plays causes me to become very hot. Like so hot that I use the hose like a gun and repeatedly shoot myself in the head.

And while hose gun does help keep me coolish, I thought I could do better. I'm not normally a pool type person so I didn't want anything huge or even close to semi-permanent, so I decided to go the blow up kiddie pool route. I figured we had an air pump so how hard could it be to inflate a kiddie pool?

hahahahahaha. I am so fucking stupid.

Here's the pool I bought:

I pictured lying in it, using the slide as a pillow with the little water spout sprinkling cool water on my swollen, disgusting ankles. Ah, relaxing.

Well, here we are after a week of kiddie pool ownership and this is what we have:

Turns out that damn pool has one of those bite valve things that you have to clamp down on while you blow* to get it to inflate. And the hand pump is pretty hard to use with one of those bite valve things. So every time I take Tru out back to play, I sit on the patio and pump pump pump. And then I pump pump pump some damn more. This has gone on for days and that's what the pool still looks like. By the time I get it fully inflated the summer will be over and I will have birthed this damn baby and no longer need a kiddie pool to stay cool.

So what do you say, care to come over with your lungs and blow up my pool? When you're done I might even give you a turn in it. Maybe. At the very least I'll let you use my hose gun on your head for a minute.

*come on, this is just dirty.