before it was blending, now I'm noodling

So hey, Whole30!  How's that going you might wonder. (Or not. Probably not. I'm going to keep droning on anyway) Honestly, yesterday I stood in my kitchen having completed a 30 minute core class and a particularly difficult CrossFit workout and thought "Fuck it. I'm having some cereal." Of course I didn't have cereal, I had some boiled eggs that were extremely unsatisfying because surprise, they weren't cereal.

My meal plan, which all of two people have asked about, is non-existant. I generally make a giant frittata on Sunday night and have it for breakfast every day. For lunch I have some form of meat (or fried egg) over roasted veggies and dinner is the same thing. So exciting, right? And it was exciting for, I don't know, a day. Jump ahead to yesterday, Day 21, and you can probably understand why I wanted that bowl of cereal. Or any damn thing that wasn't a pile of meat with veggies under it. 

Thank god in December I had signed up for a Paleo Basics Cooking Class because, not to be overly dramatic, the only way I'm going to complete this Whole30 is to cook the things I learned about last night. Food that isn't just a pile of stuff. Food with flavors and textures and, y'all I am so excited right now. 

I've had a fear of spaghetti squash forever because it's hard and requires a giant knife to cut open. I don't have a desire to cut a finger tip off like some people so I avoided it, even though everyone promised the noodles were so worth it. Plus I figured it couldn't possibly be as easy as cut open, roast, scoop out noodles. Not gonna lie, I am an idiot. It is that easy! And delicious! I owe Melissa a giant thank you for making me cut one open in class. 

Besides learning my way around a spaghetti squash, we riced cauliflower, made some zucchini noodles that kicked the ass of the zucchini noodles I make, and made Rogan Josh that I'm planning on making tonight for dinner. I know it sounds cheesy corny sappy but thanks to this class I'm no longer scared of some Paleo recipes that I've had my eye on but haven't tackled. 

8 more days. Let's finish this shit. 

my cracks are showing

Look, I'm not going to lie to you, I'm feeling pretty whiney today. So either put on your pissy hat and join me in my whines or click over to a pretty lifestyle blogger's site. I'll only judge you a little for leaving.

We own our house, which yay for homeownership! If I believe the commercial I saw last night, owning my home is giving my kids positive self esteem, though I'm struggling to see how the two things are related.

But also, ugh, homeownership, you suck! You seem so awesome giving me the option to paint walls whatever color I want and being able to hang pictures however I want, but then stuff like this happens and I'm left scratching my head.

Yeah, houses settle and cracks happen but this house was built two years ago, shouldn't the settling have happened by now? Should random cracks still be appearing? Do I need to do something besides spackle that and paint over it?

Also, can we talk about the fact that I've been waiting over three hours for a repair guy who called and said he was 20 minutes away? And when I call him back he doesn't answer? My whole day has been spent waiting for him. I understand that a prior appointment could run long, but how about you don't call and say you're on your way until you're actually on your way? So many errands could have been run in those three hours. I could have gone for a run! I haven't even showered yet because I didn't want to miss his arrival. Repair Man, I smell because of you! When I crack tonight it will all be on your head Repair Man!

Am I the only one that looks at their life and thinks "Holy crap, when did I become the adult in charge of all of this? Why wasn't I handed an instruction manuel?" Please say I'm not.

the short version is: I'm doing a lot of blending

I'm on day 5 of Whole30 so obviously I'm an expert and ready to dole out wisdom about the program on my blog. So let's do this!

First up, milking an almond is one of the most miserable things I've ever done. During Whole30 you avoid dairy and the only pre-made milk allowed is canned coconut milk. Have you ever put canned coconut milk into iced coffee? Oh lord, it is not good. First the coconut milk comes out all separated and gross. Then you dump it into your drink and it just looks bad, like something is sour. I tried to power through but couldn't. So homemade almond milk it is!

I used this recipe and the final product was delicious (as delicious as almond milk can be. It took me a few days to get used to it when I made the switch to it last year.) but the process was tedious. It seems easy enough: soak the almonds! blend everything! strain! But in reality the strain portion of the process nearly broke me. I first ran it through a strainer and then through a nut milk bag. (that will never not sound dirty) I also spilled it all over my kitchen counter, the floor, spilled quite a bit down the sink, and watered some down with my tears. Before I even tasted it I decided that no matter how amazing homemade almond milk is, when Whole30 is done I'm doing back to the cartoned kind. 

I ended up making about 5 quarts of almond milk from four cups of almonds (presoaked cups, they expanded during the soaking process) and froze four of the quarts. A few things about freezing your end product: once frozen, it's going to look really unappealing and while defrosting, even more unappealing. It's okay! Stop being concerned with looks! Be sure to leave a lot of room in your container. More room then you think you need. You've worked hard for your almond milk, don't let this happen to you:

I nearly cut someone with that piece of broken glass because I was so filled with rage. 

That's enough words about almond milk, now let's get crazy and talk about mayo! I've never made mayo before because it seems like it should be a hard process. Like almond milk hard, but instead it is so easy! Mayo, you are a deceptive bastard! 

The truth is I'm not a mayo fan. It has a weird slimy texture and jiggles. I don't like it on sandwiches but will eat it in egg and chicken salads. It's also amazing when turned into this spinach and artichoke dip but that's not important right now. But the thing about homemade mayo is that it doesn't have a weird slimy texture. It doesn't really jiggle the same way jarred mayo does. It is delicious. 

I used this recipe to make the mayo and suggest you do it too. I didn't know mayo could be so good! I'm not eating it off a spoon or anything, but the egg salad I made was so amazing that I didn't even mind the lack of bread in my lunch. I texted Kristin that the mouth feel was perfect and then I had to shove playing cards under my fingernails for talking about mouth feel. 

There you have it, way too many words about almond milk and mayo. If this doesn't want make you want to try a Whole30, then I don't know what to tell you. I'm living in an exciting world of almond milking and mayo making. Come join me?